Anyway, the new topic is one of the things I struggle with more than anything: trust. I have a tendency to not want to trust anyone, but then I also trust people overly much far too often. I seem to have some kind of all or nothing thing going with trust, and who is where doesn't make a ton of sense. I struggle to trust people who I have every reason to trust, but I'll blindly trust random people on the basis of they were nice to me once. I also tend to know that since I struggle to trust people that often I need to relax when I'm not trusting. There was once that still scares me and it happened 10 years ago. I was in grad school, a period of time I had very little trust in anyone. I am and especially was very afraid of men. I knew this and I knew I tended to overreact so I tried to compensate but talking myself out of overreacting. I was in a large Walmart-ish store called Meijers that is a Michigan-based and amazing place. (As far as I can tell Meijers has everything. It is what I miss most about Michigan.) I liked to go there and wander around when I needed a break from grad work. Since I didn't sleep in grad school I would wind up there late at night sometimes. One night this very creepy man started following me. At first I thought it was a coincidence, but no matter where I went there he was. And he started bumping into me repeatedly. I was scared but afraid to cause trouble. Besides I kept telling myself I was overreacting since this was a man. So instead of getting help I kept moving, into areas of the store I thought I could lose him, but which were more and more deserted. It was not until someone told me I should have been doing anything to get help and that I shouldn't have left the store without security knowing and going with me that I realized I'd forced myself to trust someone who easily could have assaulted me. Yet I get panicky if a man stands what I deem is too close to me in a line.
So I have a lot of work to do. At this stage I just want it to be Thursday so I can talk more and feel more comfortable with this project.