Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Today was tough

So for one thing I have actually been awake since 4:12 Am, when my med alarm went off. I slept 9 hours starting at 7 or so (accidentally), and I just ran out of sleepy. Except I'm still tired, and I am far too scared to go to sleep early tonight. Then, it is hotter than fire, and I'm not tolerating that all that well. I've go the a/c down low so I can have my weighted blanket on to help stay calm.

I spent my time with Dr. Mind crying. I don't think I had cried since the day this all started, but I sure did today and I would have continued for a long time if I didn't have to drive so far. That's the downside to driving so far for therapy; I don't cry without help. Crying is a relief sometimes. But I can't cry and drive, so crying with Dr. Mind doesn't always let me get everything out. I needed to talk, so badly. I honestly think I could have talked for another 3 hours. I certainly have talked plenty on this blog, but otherwise I have only told one friend about what happened. If I could explain I would but I can't and I am embarrassed. I've not talked to anyone in person about this except my family and Dr. Mind and Dr. Brain. So having him away for a week and then being 3 days later before I had my appt., it's been HARD.

The biggest problem is that I am frightened by my depression. I need just what he did today, except maybe more constantly: a reminder that this is nothing like what I've been through before. Being depressed isn't fun, but this is mild compared to the past. But it's hard not to panic. I know I'm in a pretty good place right now, relatively, but I've been too sick for too long to have yet achieved calm about any and all potential episodes. While this IS an episode it does not mean that I'm going to lose everything I gained. I just need to hire someone to tell me that about 16 times/day. I need reassurance and am getting it almost nowhere. Which is mainly my fault, but there's just so little to say. "I got fired. No clue why. I've got a new job now though. And yes, that's the 2nd time in a year. No, apparently I'm not very good at what I do." Etc. Maybe it's true, maybe not, but it's a little harder to defend, and if I weren't in a profession that is desperate to hire I'd not have a job in my field anymore.

I used to have a relaxation tape Dr. Mind made for/with me. SOmehow it got lost. We're making a new one this week. I wish I'd thought of it today. I just feel so sad. And I've not done anything today and I really needed to. I have so much cleaning and laundry to do and I'm just not up to to it. Nor was I all the time I was off. Which is not good.

I just want this to go away. It's been 4 weeks. I've got a new job that I like so far. I should be able to relax. Instead I just feel sad. All the time.

My dinner is done and I don't know any good way to end here. So I guess that's it.

1 comment:

otgirl said...

This is NOTHING like what you've been through! (There, now you only need 15 more of these and today will be covered...)