Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Friday, June 17, 2011

Maybe an explanation

So I was so upset last night and really overwhelmed.  It was a bit weird as it wasn't anything I've not talked about many times before and thought I was comfortable with.  I thought it had to do with my patient, my frustration with my mother, the weird breathing doctor (I truly don't know what he is) appointment, and I'm sure all of those came into play.  But this morning I woke up feeling off.  Turns out Brenda the cyst decided to attack today.  So I stayed home, took vicodin, and slept a lot and then have read and generally done anything to try to stay comfortable.  Which means not sitting upright.  The pain is manageable and thanks to vicodin hadn't gotten as bad as other months, although it still is not fun.  I'm going to take some more vicodin here in a few minutes and then hopefully will sleep through it if it goes into the next step (or I've already missed it because of the meds, hard to know.)  Regardless, Brenda has 2 months to live and I will be so glad to get rid of her.

On the positive side, some time to think has let me decide how I really feel and that my anger and hurt are real and reasonable, and that it may be time to spend more time going through things Dr. Mind and I have talked about but this time trying to deal with the anger.  Being able to say I'm angry is a pretty new skill for me and I realized that the onset of anger yesterday was partly because I am angry about some things that occurred regarding the patient who died.  I am left with questions about how well I was listened to when raising significant concerns a week ago (not within my company) and if that may have had anything to do with the mysterious way in which she died.  I also, like I said, have only really started dealing with anger well in the last year or so and I think I may need to tell some old stories with the focus on anger versus the less scary emotions I've talked about before.

On the plus side I keep thinking today how amazing it is that I have reached the point that I feel safe enough with Dr. Mind to share anger with him.  Anger was a bad word to me for so very long that this truly is huge.  The fact that I really truly started trusting him pretty fully 3 years ago (after over a 2 years of treatment and several months of that specifically directed at increasing my trust) and am just now ready to do this says a lot about how big it si for me to consider talking about this.  But it is time, I just know that feels right.  It's kind of like last night, I started talking about the year I hurt myself and ended my running career.  I've told that story before, several times.  This was the first time that I seamlessly included the broken ankle I did not know about until just over a year ago in that story.  It sounded so weird to say "that was the year I broke my ankle and then hurt my knee and I never ran track again" and have it come out as a natural sentence. But it is my history, even though I didn't know it, so it's good to say that.

Anyway, I need to get that vicodin in me so I can be ready to go work tomorrow.  Easy day I think; one person I need more information before I can see so that depends on someone answering emails.  Then one person's caregiver needs to call me to arrange a time.  So I may have only a few people, all of whom are ones I really enjoy.

Please pray that Brenda has already ruptured and the pain now is just from fluid in my abdomen or that she ruptures in my sleep and by tomorrow the pain is only fluid.  It still hurts quite a bit but when the fluid stage is reached it's more about tylenol and positioning than anything else.  I don't think it has popped yet.  Could be wrong; time will tell.  It likes to mess with me and pop when I'm trying to sleep.   Clearly I've decided Brenda is a very smart cyst who is able to calculate.  My cyst, my thinking I guess.

Did I mention the hot flashes? Thanks to the hormones put off by whatever is growing in my uterus, the fact that Brenda comes with PMS, and for all I know Brenda's own abilities I spend Brenda days burning up and sweating, then cold.  Which is really fun when you are supposed to be watching for fever.  I don't have one, so I just blame Brenda.  (BTW, if someone ever hurt you I strongly suggest naming something that is about to be viciously pried from your body after him or her.  I feel better ever time I threaten Brenda with laparascopic sized knives.

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