Now I just have to do it again. And again. And I need my muscles in my neck, upper back and face to relax. I very sore because these muscles are so tight. I suspect this is because of not being on benzos after consistent use for many years. Not sure what will happen there since there isn't a great benzo option left that I'm not tolerant to and the antihistamines are causing pain but not much anxiety relief. At this point it takes the edge off at best. It is just not enough. It doesn't help the panic attacks, the very sore muscles, the tooth grinding, the falling asleep, the obsessive thoughts, or the feeling that the anxiety is taking over everything. Essentially this is saying the antihistamines do nothing. I think the hospital doctor does not like to use benzos on someone who is suicidal. In terms of enhancing safety by restricting what is available this makes sense, but I am not sure there is a lot of benefit when they have no choice but to send me home with tons of other not very safe medications that I am still routinely taking. But that's the only explanation for why he decided I couldn't have these meds. Dr. Brain is back to work this week and I am hoping that she is able to help. I see her this weekend so should get some relief then but I'm hoping she has something for me sooner than that. I don't like being sore all the time and it is causing (I think?) headaches too. Tonight I am going to have to start working on tolerating my bite plate again to help with the facial pain and headaches. But I desperately want the muscle relaxed, pain-free and anxiety-reduced night that I used to have routinely. I found that I had a few klonopin left and may decide to take one of them. It probably won't do much but trying it out lets me both see what happens in terms of klonopin's effectiveness but it also means that if it works at all I can have at least a break from the anxiety.
I've been waiting all day to see when my sister and her family were arriving at my mom's. I'd planned to go down there for "out of the house" time today. Oddly nobody has heard from my sister and she didn't answer when my mom tried to call her. This is making my mother cranky, listing all kinds of other things they might be wanting to do based on her assessment of the inconvience of this event. I keep pointing out that for most of my career I've worked Christmas eve, the day after Christmas, New Year's eve and New Year's and that nobody went nuts with this for me; in fact I spent a lot of time standing up for myself about needing to leave on time, etc. My mother cranky apparently means that she'll bring up everything I've done that she doesn't like if given time. I really wish she would just deal with Christmas had to change, it's not anyone's dream situation, glad to have me home, MOVE ON. She doesn't want me to talk about being sorry, yet she keeps pushing. We'll see how long that lasts before I lose my temper.
Anyway, not a lot more to say right now.
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7 comments:
Hi Jen,
I hope your peaceful sleep happens again, and again, and again! It must feel so wonderful to you to wake up refreshed.
I too grind my teeth (I have since I was five) and especially when stressed. It's really something to wake up and have your entire head/face hurting from it. Does that happen with you too? I've ground through several mouth guards (is that what you mean by a bite plate?) and know (per my daughters) that I am REALLY loud and annoying when I grind.
I apologize for being so snarky the other day as it is neither helpful nor compassionate. I just get angry at your mom (can you tell?) and feel badly for you.
Maybe you should show her this poem:
The Fence
There was a little boy with a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, to hammer a nail in the back fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Then it gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence. Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there. A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.
Becky
Wow, Becky! You have no idea how pertinent is that last sentence...
Hugs all around, Michal
p.s. I hope no one is overly exercised that I shared my teacher/naturopath's opinion that Type II diabetes is "almost 100% lifestyle." Rather than "blaming" the sufferer, I think this indicates that there is a lot one can do to manage symptoms. This discussion reminded me that I have a dear family friend who managed his diabetes for a number of years with a Weimar Institute program before he died of lung cancer. He was the "poster child" for the program, reversing his diabetic symptoms after whole-heartedly accepting their instruction in changing his diet and exercise habits. My mother had similar success in managing cancer for many years with dietary changes and nutritional supplements.
http://www.reversingdiabetes.org/Resources/NEWSTART.aspx
There is a lot of HOPE here. My mother was told that there is a "sunny side" of getting a horrible diagnosis of disease in mid-life. That is, one can be motivated to take radically new measures to improve health. In her case, she was diagnosed with breast cancer at 52 and lived for 11 years with new practices such as nutritional supplements and a "health food" diet.
Jen, am I remembering correctly that you used to make SOUPS a lot??
Gotta study...I've been slacking over the holidays.
xoxo
Hi Jen,
Yes, soup! I was thinking of you and your soup just yesterday, Jen. It's a win/win because you'll be covering your daily outing/conversation, eating healthier, and also doing something productive at home. If I rememb er right, you used to make big batches and freeze it too?
Also, a little perspective this morning. Here's the back story: My mom died in 1991 from a cancerous brain tumor, so I haven't had a mom for twenty years. Also, I have a group of grade school friends (there are nine of us) who are still very close, vacation together, etc.
Okay, so here's the perspective: 7 out of 8 of my friends have "mom troubles" - at times their moms drive them batty! I hear of a lot of mom-induced guilt trips, many mean things their moms say to them, and see the tears caused by it. It's pretty awful, really. And these gals (my friends) are good people who try to always do the right thing. They are not in any way selfish or self-serving but their moms continue to tear them/break them down. It's like try as they might, they never can do anything right!
I've asked them if they have any idea why (?) and they really are clueless as to a reason. I wonder sometimes if it is just old age (70s, 80s) or even a bit of jealousy/resentment. Gee, I don't know the reason but I DO know that it is a very common problem. SUCH a problem that I've talked to each of my daughters and told them that if I ever do that to them, they have every right to call me out and/or shoot me.
This mom issue causes my friends such pain. The hurtful jabs and guilt are very real. Unfortunately, you are not alone in your mom troubles - I just wanted to tell you this so perhaps it could ease your mind a bit (?) I hope it helps.
Oh, and GOOD MORNING to you! Did you have a restful sleep? I surely hope you did - I will check in later on.
Becky
Checking in Jen...
Is all well?
Becky
Thanks for your email, Jen. I'm just saying "hi" between study sessions, and will check in later for your latest update.
Hugs, Michal
Jen??
Yeah!! My name is working at long last! Please reply.
xoxo
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