Secrets

For the time being I would say it is unlikely I'll be posting on Thursdays.  That's a long day!  I see Dr. Mind at 1 and my class is from 6-8.  Dr. Mind suggested that I move his appt. to a later time but for now I want to see if I can do this.

Yesterday Dr. Mind and I talked a good bit about feeling safe.  I don't.  He was matter-of-fact.  I've been in this place before and we've fixed it, etc.  Fine, but it's never been the reason I'm scared now.  I left knowing the bottom line is that I do not trust myself.  In the past I have not trusted crying or anger or some emotion.  This time it is me that I don't trust.  So we're both right.  I did not leave feeling we'd fixed anything or that I'd provided an information he did not know.  Yesterday was grab needed meds day.  Since he has to give me the key to do that he has been getting an education on how many pills I take each day.  He's rather amazed.  The funny thing is that he's not even seeing nearly all of them because I have a few harmless meds at home.  I still can't make eye contact and hold it.  I hate that.  I also can't talk loud enough.  Dr. Mind has hearing loss and has to keep moving closer to me.  I sound very critical of myself there; these are just things I've worked so hard on and not being able to do them is frustrating.  There was one somewhat funny moment when he said something about my birthday being soon, how was I feeling about that.  I answered something and he thought a minute and told me I am the only person he treats whose birthday he knows.  So I'm special (actually I have birthday trauma that we worked very hard on for 2-3 years which is where that started.  Plus my birthday is pretty easy to remember as it is Martin Luther King day (the actual date, not the day off work for some places) and it is also 3 weeks after Christmas exactly.  So there are more tricks to remembering than many birthdays.  It still is funny.  Especially since I think he said that because I was surprised he remembered since this year I really don't care.

The class...not sure what to say.  It sounds like some of the content is going to be very helpful and some I will know.  It sounded like 50-50 or so.  Yesterday was much more impressions of people and I can't say anything about that.  I wound up needing to knit through a lot of it to keep my fingers busy and me in my seat.  They were fine with that; I explained briefly that I'm off anxiety meds and am not sitting still just yet.  Dr. Mind is going to have an interesting take on one thing; they go out to a nearby coffee place after class after the first week.  While I know going would be good for me I really don't want to not get home until 10 as it keeps me awake.  Also coffee places frustrate me because I don't/can't drink coffee and the price for a cup of tea at this place is ridiculous.  So hopefully he won't make me do that part.  If it were summer it would be one thing but it is decidedly not summer (we have our first real, albeit late, snow fall, along with wind that is making it quite chilly today.  I hate to turn up the thermostat because I was freezing when I woke up.  I made it to just outside my town before it started, so that part was good).

I still haven't heard anything from work about my inability to return for many months.  I was not very specific, just that once I stabilize it will still be many months before I can return.  I did not say it may take 6 months or more to stabilize, then 6-12 months to meet the requirements.  I said it how Dr. Brain told me too, in a way that should have let them know things are seriously wrong but without being at all specific about that.

I need to go to the post office.  I am anxiously awaiting a package.  And I just reminded myself it will be closed Monday and tomorrow I don't know if I'll make it out.  I hope I'll finally get it together to get my blood drawn.  I keep trying and failing because of not sleeping well, forgetting what time I took the meds when I shifted the lithium to later to make the blood draw easier, etc.  I was disappointed last night because at first it seemed I would fall asleep earlier than I've been doing lately (the insomnia is acting up although once I get to sleep I do get 8-9 hours) and then suddenly I was wide awake again.  And that kept me up so late that there was no way I was going to get up in time for the stupid blood draw.  It will happen.  It may give Dr. Mind a stroke first, but he does understand my problem.  One advantage to the weird way the hospital dr. did it was that the levels were drawn at 4 pm. The problem is that this number is meaningless in the context of years of 12 hour draws which make up our knowledge of how I usually respond.

Anyway, must go to the post office.  At this rate they'll be closed when I get there.  I really don't want to go out in the snow and wind.  Waahhh!:)