Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Sunday, March 21, 2010


That's about how I feel. I took a nap but I am still so incredibly tired. I dread sleep because I know that it may be bad again. I've had my tiny bit of Seroquel and in a bit I'll take the rest of my meds. Hopefully I'll be asleep early tonight and sleep soundly.

I got nothing done this weekend. I moved stuff out of the bathroom for painting, then didn't paint. That will be stupid by next weekend when I have more window estimates and will need things neat and tidy again. I seriously doubt I'll have time to paint, so I'm likely to be either moving the bathroom stuff back this Friday or stuffing it in some closet and having a weird, empty bathroom when people come. I really don't care though what they think, I just want good prices.

I feel oddly depressed. That's been going on for a week or so, off and on, but right now it feels much more real. I think that is mainly the dream though. It was so scary, and I'm struggling with the idea that some of it was real. The problem is that I have absolutely no clear memory that such a thing happened, and no way to know if what might be a fuzzy one is true. Essentially the dream is based on something that did happen. My mother tried to leave and my father got out a gun to kill the pets. She stayed, the pets lived. I was away when this happened and found out about it when my mother told me, so I have no memories of it. The dream now is that he is forcing me to watch him shoot the pets I have and my mother has now. Clearly that part is made up. But I do know that something in my past makes me terrified of guns, and we had so many pets. There is no way for me to remember all of them, much less what happened to all of them, and so maybe I saw something/was forced to see something scary? I have no clue. I don't want to know that one.

I just can't explain how tired I am and how much I want to sleep and not work this week. Last week was totally draining and I'm not ready to go back. If I don't sleep I'm going to take a sick day, but that just means working Saturday and I'm not interested in that. Tomorrow I'm scheduled for 8 hours already, and I have to do paperwork from Friday, when I had to leave due to being biohazardous.

I guess I really should change my sheets and then get ready for bed. I'm hoping to be asleep by 9:30 or 10:00. I'm also hoping that I don't work long hours this week. If I can just get home by 7 or 7:30 then I can actually rest and start to feel ok again.

I can't believe how short this weekend was. I also can't believe I used to sleep like that all the time. I don't know how I survived.


Michal Ann said...

Did you say YOU were a biohazard or that you had to leave due to a condition in the workplace? I'm glad you didn't paint. Like you said, who cares about the bathroom when your immediate mission is good window prices...and reasonable contractors. Remind me about your bathroom. Didn't you once say that it's pretty tiny and that you've chosen a cute color scheme?

Sounds like you have a lot of good dream material for Dr. Mind to help you work through. I'm sure it doesn't matter what's "true." The critical thing is to disarm the fearful things that threatened you. I'll keep praying that your hurts are healed.

"Casting all your cares upon Him for He cares for you." just played in the background on a Fox news ad! I love that verse in I Peter 5:7. Apparently there's a "world's first on-line video Bible" under development. People are reading and video taping their favorite verses. That's certainly one of my favorite scriptures.


I'll have to look for that.

I hope you'll re-read my comment from yesterday and let me know what you think. Everything I share with you is a great reminder to me to employ more faith in all I do. It IS a battle!

Love! ((((gentle hugs))))

Just Me said...

I'll comment on the one from yesterday in a minute (when I read it; i didn't check comments yesterday or this morning), but yes, *I* was the biohazard. My patient had an explosion of body fluids and I was covered. It was great fun.

In a way it doesn't matter what is true, and in a way it does. When I know what is true it helps me understand more what I deal with and it gives me understanding of why I act/react certain ways. IT also helps clear the mystery that surrounds so much of my life. I don't just have messed up memories of the traumatic parts of my life, I was so sick that I don't remember much of the last 10 years. So for me memories are very valuable but I need connection to my past that I have very little of.