My secret fear

There's something I've not talked about much yet with anyone. I feel like I don't have time with Dr. Mind right now for anything but the most pressing things, and I'm ashamed to admit it elsewhere. But yesterday I heard words come from my mouth that made me realize more solidly how much I fear this.

I've mentioned many times that I'm going to be an aunt in a few more months. I'm excited, I'm making baby things and have had a lot of fun anticipating the baby. Recently ultrasound pictures came and they are really good quality, enough to know a bit about what the baby will look like, although it certainly needs to get much fatter. (Actually, come to think of it, in only 1 week the baby will reach the point it could live if born. Which is crazy when you look at the ultrasound and see how scrawny (and beautiful) it is. Mainly it looks peaceful, which is good since my sister thinks it is afraid of the ultrasound machine. (There is one funny shot of the baby high-tailing it away from the probe.). Yesterday I was telling a couple women about the baby and the ultrasound pictures, and how clear they are, and I said something about it having very delicate features, a deep love for thumb-sucking, and a tiny nose. Then I said, well, I guess that would be MY nose. I have an extremely tiny nose. Small enough to affect what glasses I wear. It is a direct inheritance from my grandmother.

But later it really hit. This baby is really related to me. It shares my genes. Please God, not the scary ones. But this child will have as much biological relationship to me as my half-brother, and while he and I don't really look alike, we can have the exact same facial expression and have the appearance for a moment of looking more alike than I do to my full brother.

And I am afraid. My sister and I get along ok, but we are very, very different people. In the past we have not gotten along all that well at times, including one time that I believed I could never have a relationship with her again because the hurt went so deep.

In the past I have loved 3 children, the children of two of what I thought were my best friends. As it turned out they weren't such good friends. One was using me because she had her own set of psychiatric issues and I was a willing target, and the other judged me for my illness and blamed me for it because it meant I didn't have a good relationship with God. Then she had people who had never met me vote on this. All three of those children called me Aunt. Losing them was as painful as losing the friendships that weren't what I thought they were. And now this child will call me Aunt, and if I lose that child because of some problem with my sister I will not know how to survive the hurt.

I'm going to be an aunt. I'm terrified.