Week in Bullets

I have had a really tough week. Some of it is cycling. Some is exhaustion. Some is that it was stressful. Some is pain. Some is counseling. It all concluded with coming home last night and crying myself to sleep, and then getting my hair cut this morning and coming home with all these plans to work in the garden and instead sleeping all day.

So, just to bring you up to date:

• -I went back to work after a day off. That should mean working 32 hours. Instead I worked 40. There were a million evals and all my treatments were one on one for various reasons. Plus the company I'm contracted to knew they wouldn't have to pay overtime unless I worked more than 40 hours in 4 days. They came close. What they don't know is that I'm not going count Monday as a vacation day. Which is great because I have to get a filling done in a front tooth and I know it will be difficult, so I can actually take a whole day off to do that.
• -The manager then mentioned that her boss wanted to know why I'm not doing groups and why my productivity is low. She said she told her lots of evals, etc., but that's such an unfair question even. They told them they wanted me scheduled differently so that I wouldn't have overtime. But doing that they took away the only way to meet my productivity requirement and also anyway I could double up visits so paperwork time was still counted as productive. (it makes no sense. Just trust me.) I'd anticipated this and warned my own boss, and I tried to document yesterday what my week had been like. Except that the list got diarrhea on it when my patient exploded. So this week I'm keeping a list all week.
• -I completely flipped out last night because I thought someone was intentionally ignoring me because they were mad at me. Turns out that they used my old, never checked email address. I felt pretty stupid, then pretty amazed at how exactly tired and stressed I am.
• -I also realized I'm getting somewhat tired of this work setting. I'm considering changing contracts next time. It depends on who the new manager is and whether they really do work on balancing my schedule and their requirements a bit. I don't mind overtime. I do mind being taken advantage of, and that is what happened this week. I did all the work I didn't do while on vacation this week. That's not fair, esp. if they are going to complain about the hours. Then there is the thing where I have one simple request: I need to be done on time on Thursdays. I keep having to go back to work after Dr. Mind, and right now that is not a good thing. Sessions are rather draining and I need to be able to think. I also like the people I work with, but I'm not "one of them" because of several reasons, mainly that I'm not permanent. Also, they are advertising the position at a crazy high rate and then they don't want to pay what my company considers normal for my experience level. So a new contract is going to mean a raise and a bigger one than the last one.

• -My knee is very sore from falling. I also have a very bruised elbow (and more mildly bruised elbow and knee), but the knee is 100% bruise.
• -Interestingly I got that comment from the Sears person my post but they haven't answered my actual complaint. I'm going to contact him next, but have to have time and energy to do so.
• -I priced windows and doors at the DIY store today. I don't really want to use them, but I know now that I have enough saved to do a patio door/screen and 4 windows, and then I can do a front door/storm door later in the summer. So I'm a bit less stressed now. The patio door alone including installation is 1/3 the price of Sears, and it's a top brand name.
• -I think it's going to rain. My ankle is beginning to predict weather. Either that or it's mad because I dared get my hair cut without a brace on this morning.
• -My foot with plantar fascitis also hurts. I get my orthotics a week from Monday. I can't wait. I hope that they are as helpful as suggested. Funny coincidence my mother was also just casted for orthotics. I've been taping it but didn't today because I wasn't doing much and taping it is not simple when done by myself. Plus I want my skin to breathe and have time off from adhesives. With the patch I don't need to develop any type of adhesive allergy.
• -I have backed myself into a fiscal corner. I've got tons of savings but I don't want to touch them as I need the home improvements. I had ordered my mother and I a bunch of garden stuff and didn't realize it didn't go through my debit card until Thursday when there wasn't enough money in there. So this week I have to be careful that there is a given amount left by Friday. Which meant moving money from my precious kitchen account. Blagh.
• -I've found it funny that I let a friend use one of my therapy experiences as an example of something bad and fairly unethical on their blog. (Which I'm not linking to because I don't really want the people who read and discussed my story to find me). That person's blog is controversial and people constantly make weird allegations. Sure enough, one comment first suggested that this was just a shot at a certain other controversial figure, then that they had read this before somewhere (um, on my blog? it's linked, it's possible), and then that they thought that the blogger had made me up. So to those of you who have wondered, apparently I'm not real. Explains a lot.
• -This who sexual abuse discussion is both empowering (I'm so proud I'm doing this, and even more proud that I'm handling it pretty well) and exhausting. Partly this is because of the way things seem to play out. From the day I realized I was ready to talk about this, I have tended to walk out of his office after a very intense hour and realize that I knew what needed to come next. Then I have to wait a week to ask that question. Since the questions tend to be both difficult and things I truly do not know an answer to a lot of waiting is involved because it's not really easy to put this stuff aside. It's also going to get tough here as I have to go 2 weeks from this appointment before I see him, because he's going on vacation. I suppose I should try to add an appt. when he gets back, but I'd bet there will not be any openings.
• -One of my greatest gains of the last month has been an understanding finally that the sexual abuse in my life was severe. I knew that it was a lot of abuse and that it was very long-term. But I never really understood if this was typically what happens to that high percentage of girls who are sexually abused or if it was more extreme. Making a list of what I remember, especially when divided so that I could see what I know happened to me before I was even in double digits, much less puberty, made me understand that it was bad. Also watching Dr. Mind's body language while reading the list helped. I'm now at a place of acceptance of "ok, this was really bad" and now I've moved into something I've not really tried before, trying to make sense of it and understand it. This is tending to be talking about something, Dr. Mind makes some observations, and 2 weeks later I'm back with questions about what he said as I realize that there may be truth in what he is observing or at least it leads me to understanding something else a bit.
• -I finally found evidence that the reason food tastes strange to me and I eat such a weird diet really is the Emsam. It's a relatively rare but potential side effect, which I think about 3% of patients have. The thing is that since it's not used that much, even at the place I go to, 3% of the total patients my doctor has seen on it won't be very many. I think she has around 5 people on it. So it makes sense now for it to not be something she'd seen. Regardless at least some things seem to rotate in and out of tasting ok, and Dr. Mind really helped by suggesting nut/berry mixes. I'm making my own now because I go through a ton of it, and have been decreasing the fruit to not ratio gradually and adding things like flaxseed to it, so that at least is pretty healthy. The current soup of choice also is nice because is it cheap to make. It sounds weird but tastes really good to my messed up tastebuds (ie don't take food recommendations from me). But oh does it sound weird......carrot orange ginger soup.
• -It's 7:35 and I've had pills. I'm serious about sleeping tonight and sleeping well.I should be about asleep by 9.
• -And with that I'm going to go.
• -(Oh yeah. Sorry if there are bullets and hyphens. Bullets don't seem to work right usually, so I'm doing hyphens in case.)