Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Friday, June 18, 2010

Lessons learned

So I'm tired, not feeling well, cranky, running a fever, not eating, and I have what feels like 14 things to do. Of course some of those things don't need to be done and I need to focus on what does need finished, what can wait, what can maybe be done in the morning, and what has to get done (clothes washed, baby gifts washed, food for shower made--which needs to be done soon since I just showered off the germs).

I need to let some things go. It's not like the baby comes tomorrow, and my sister certainly will understand an IOU for the things that are not quite done. I already feel like I didn't accomplish what I wanted though, because I had an idea of how many bibs I could/should make and then during the PTSD/awful last weeks of the last job extravaganza of March through mid-May, then adjusting to my new job (as great as it is it is a big change, including one night away from home most weeks), and having several busy weekends lately and now feeling crummy on the day I took off to finish things interfered. Which is why people with bipolar shouldn't set goals that don't really matter. Bibs, really? The baby won't even need them for months.

So that's lesson one. Be realistic. I don't like that lesson.

Lesson two is one of the many I'm learning as I learn to sew. For those who've come along in the last few months, in November after I left the hospital I was very, very agitated and needed things to do to stay busy. I messed around with a lot of arts and crafty things, then one day decided to pull out my sewing machine. My grandmother taught me to sew as a child and I used to sew some, but then lithium came into my life and gave me tremors and I had to stop and then I never was well enough to care again. And back when I sewed before it wasn't that good; my manias were way too involved for it to be a good thing. But this time I discovered that I learned a LOT from my grandmother, a lot of it from observation standing behind her in a chair while she sewed and watching. I also learned that I'm not too bad at it, actually fairly decent considering I'm basically a beginner. So all winter I sewed a lot, and then I didn't feel like it for a while, and now I'm suddenly trying to hurry. And as we know, hurrying is always bad. It is even more so when you are not experienced at what you are doing.

And so today I've learned a lot. I've learned patience. I've learned why there is a top and a bottom and why you want the nice stitches on top. I've learned "stop and analyze the problem and don't just keep going when what you are doing doesn't work", something Dr. Mind and I have covered about 70 times in the last 4 years and which I still have a long way to go in learning. I've also learned yet again the lesson Dr. Mind taught me in the first weeks I knew him, literally making me memorize it between sessions and then recite it each time for a very long time, and he still says from time to time "and what did we learn at the beginning?": "Do what you can do as you can do it". Which I've tried to exceed today and it has done me no good.

So, lessons learned. At this point I am going to fix the tiny holes in 6 of the 36 washable baby wipes I have made over the last months (another lesson: don't assume you can do anything quickly). And then I am going to wash the baby things that are finished, package my gifts up, make my food contribution (I need to bring something that I know I can safety eat), and go to sleep. Hopefully tomorrow I'll feel better and maybe can finish another bib or a few burp cloths in the morning. If not, there's still time before the baby even comes.

Which will be my mantra as I stay away from the sewing room........

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