Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Saturday, June 05, 2010

Raw honesty

Like last night wasn't enough. This post is supposed to be about what the last sentence will say, but that is just no longer the most important thing right now. I have officially had the day from HELL

I'm dogsitting my mom's dogs this weekend. That's no problem. The fun started when I went to let the dogs out for their second run in their fenced yard and found there was an opposum on the deck with babies clinging to it. I watched as it slowly waddled off. A couple hours later the dogs wanted out and I forgot so took them to the sun porch. They saw it and went nuts. I drug them back inside and got htem more or less calm. Until we had a storm and I interpreted the early warning signs from the one scared of storms as a desire to kill baby possums. So I got all scratched up and then her sedative didn't kick in until after the storm was half over. That was when the cat who isn't nearing the end of a very long life requiring meds and constant feeding and different things to tempt her peed all over the canvas thing I use normally to store fabric and had brought down with my sewing machine and the things for 2 expensive baby blankets in it. He's been acting out a lot because of jealousy of the attention giving the dying slowly cat. I'm just giving him as much food as I give her when he's around trying to bribe him. Thankfully it was waterproofed but I have no idea if it is ruined yet; I haven't felt like smelling. with my sister that made me cry but still makes no sense to me. She was being touchy. I have been over and over the conversations and nothing I said was wrong in any way. But it made me cry. So then I was running late for my appt. with Dr. Brain (late by my I wanted to leave early standard, not late for real, but I had errands to do that I wanted to start first).

Dr. Brain was behind, as per usual, so I actually got a whole eval finished which was great. I met with Dr. Brain a long time and we talked about how I have just had my PTSD flare back up, which is why I'm falling apart the last couple days. I did a good amount of crying with her. I also found out there just isn't an allergy med that works for me that I can take, and that I am to continue taking lots of anxiety meds and not worry about getting off. She was able to offer some good news about a new program that might help me not have to pay $330/month for Nuvigil. And I for sure can have a new coupon for 1 free month of it. Which is very good. But she can't take away the pain of what I'm going through anymore than anyone else can, nor can she make the PTSD go away. I have to deal with it and get used to the idea that right now it may not just be "done" like an arthritic flare-up, it may be something I'm living with for a while. I really have been dealing it at some level since the hospital in October, so that makes sense. Dr. Mind is my best hope with handling this PTSD thing and it's going to take time.

So I left and went to my usual favorite place to treat myself to a late lunch after these appts. It was 2:54 and the sign said they close at 3 on Saturdays in the summer. But they refused to serve me "we're closed". I pointed out about 5 times that the door was open and it was NOT 3 but they apparently had decided that 3 means 2:45. So no good special lunch.

Then I ran a bunch of errands that all took longer than I wanted. I also talked to the during the week petsitter Gypsy doesn't get better. She ate better tonight so hopefully the meds are working, but she's just very very old. I had to realize that if she starts to die I'm going to probably have to decide to put her to sleep simply because I can't expect the pet sitter to go through that. And I'd then lie to my mom until she came home. Somewhere in there the realization that I hadn't given my cats the usual extra food I put out if I'm going to be away for 36 hours like today because I was in such a rush yesterday morning. So by the time I got back here the dogs had been in the basement way too long. I checked for the possum and it was gone, so I let them out. THey had a great time trying to track it and barking at it. No big deal, I let them work out steam and fed the sick cat and got into my pajamas and started writing about what Dr. Brain says I need to do. When I let them in one of them was FILTHY. She didn't have a clean spot on her.

So I searched everywhere for dog shampoo. No luck. She got a bath in palmolive. IT was a huge ordeal beause I couldn't remember where my mom hooks up the hose in teh basement so I poured the cups of water over her for 3 gallons of water. I then had to strip and wash everything I had on including my very expensive new sneakers that I don't even know if they are washable. GUess I'll know soon. I then scrubbed myself. I Felt so incredibly filthy that I even scrubbed my face with soap, a really bad idea for my very sensitive skin. I think I washed about 4 times before the hot water ran out from the washer plus all that water on teh dog.

Oh, and there was also my horrible goof. 2 years ago I designed and bought a special bracelet for my mom, modeled after the idea of a mother's ring but prettier than our stones could be and with meaningful charms on it as well. It had a tricky clasp and I'd decided to get that replaced as a surprise while she was gone. Well, that and $20 fell out of my pocket somewhere. I found the etsy vendor who made it and she's making a new one, but I'm still horrified.

So I finally got meds and supper about 11 and and actually getting a little sleepy. Which is good because tomorrow I have to do the thing that the title of this post was supposed to be about; I have to tell myself specifically how hard this is. I've done so once, but Dr. Brain says I need to again, very clearly. That lets me be emotional and hopefully cut down on the getting hurt by her insensitivity/tendency to attack me whenever she's stressed (lifelong habit).

And this has worn me out so I guess I'm actually going to get to sleep. I wasn't so sure that would happen tonight.

Tomorrow surely has to be better...........

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