Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Too much hurt

Today was hard enough that I cried, quite a bit, by the end and I'm not done yet. I may be calling for an extra appt. with Dr. Mind for early in the week if I don't feel better by tomorrow afternoon.

It was my sister's baby shower. The whole day just didn't flow. I was up at 5 and sewing and washing things and putting together gifts until I left at 10:45. I'd hoped to be at my mom's by 10:30 but it just wasn't happening. My sewing machine went on the fritz and took a while to get to work right again, I was doing multiple things at once which I do not excel at, and I'm tired.

So I rode down with a friend of the family. He is someone I have a complicated relationship with; sometimes I love him, sometimes I hate him. He can be way over the top and very difficult to deal with. He also can be incredibly fun and caring, and he's been part of my life for a very long time now. He also can be very self-focused and not very sensitive to my noise issues. He also doesn't listen when he thinks he knows better. He decided to try out a new navigation system on his car that wanted to send us on horrible backroads. I work on those roads, I know them well. He did not actually take those roads, but also refused to take a shortcut through the town I work in (ie I know my way around very well and how to save 5 minutes or more) because it wasn't on his list. He had me leave stressed out because he got to my mother's early and then when I got there, still 15 minutes before we had agreed to leave, he acted like I was late and hurried things, practically taking my home health gear and ripping an impermanently applied decoration to a bag I was going to take back home to finish after the shower. And he got me very upset by telling me something about the baby I didn't know and felt very hurt that I wasn't told by someone and then all about how I had really upset my mother by emailing her about an issue with my sister while she was on vacation. So by the time I got there I HAD to be alone. Which was fine since I also had to fix the decorated bag. Therefore I spent my first hour sewing by hand things huge thing and trying to calm down/waiting for Klonopin. Then things were ok for a bit, although my sister almost was avoiding me. Or so it felt since I'm still rather stunned that I wrote out my heart and sent it to her and she ignored it.

She did seem to like her gifts, and even snuggled the blanket I made; she got a lot of blankets and it was easy to see the favorite. It didn't even occur for a minute ask if I made it. It is pretty nice, and I'll post it and a bunch of other stuff soon.

But overall my mother was stressed and annoyed with my sister's difficult personality right now, I was hurt and still upset because I still do not see where my telling her that the weather, which is different than her weather was bad and that this might affect her decision is anything wrong. She told my mother that I didn't think she could make adult decisions. In the meantime apparently there was some whole thing about my brother-in-law wanting to use my mother's broadband that was the real issue, but not one time did I know a word about that. And all I said, truly, was just to know that there were lots of thunderstorms coming and it might be hard to work outside, and as a result we aren't going to have a garden. So I feel terrible about this and so confused as to what I did wrong.

Then afterward I burst into tears just because I'm so tired of wanting my sister to like me and not succeeding. I even sobbed out about the letter I wrote that she she didn't answer. My mother said maybe it was something she didn't know how to answer. I will post it tomorrow for you all to see what you think, but I don't think the appropriate answer is hard "I understand. Things will be ok". Because not saying that means essentially that she does feel something is wrong with me or that she is not going to work to make things ok. My mother also said that she doesn't think it is my bipolar so much as my sister and I have a difficult past . But there is a huge difference: years ago there were 2 of us who were hating each other, more than most sibling issues but we were also in a different situation. Now I desperately want her to like me and keep trying, and all I get is warm and cold and hurt really badly when she picks cold. I think she truly believes I'm out to get her, that I'm an awful person, and that I'm annoying. In the meantime I'm trying to act like things are ok by emailing and taking her to dinner, and trying to be part of her life and mostly she either is short with me or ignores me, but enough of the time to keep me from giving up hope she is normal. I feel like I'm trying to make her like me and frankly I'm sick of it.

But how do I just give up when my mother then tells me she's starting to not want to have our family together at all? She says there are just too many issues. Meaning me since it is ME who has trouble with my sister in law and trouble with my sister, and I don't even UNDERSTAND the trouble with my sister aside from I think I'm being a fool trying to fix it when I don't know what I do wrong and my mother refuses to tell me if I am doing anything because she won't "take sides". So now I am left feeling like my sister hates me and my mother thinks I'm wrecking our family, especially because I'm also upset with the person I came down with. And I'm so very tired and confused and tired of crying about this because I do not get it. I am a pretty blunt person. This has partly to do with my personality, partly probably to do with my profession as I believe in honesty with patients, and partly because my bipolar sometimes doesn't allow for social niceties. I don't believe in refusing to have a real relationship with you SISTER and not explain what is so wrong. I don't believe that if someone tells you something that is clearly very painful to them that you IGNORE it. And I think that it is cruel to not allow people who are going out of their way to show they care to be part of what is going on. Ignoring my "how do you feel? do you need anything?" when it turns out the baby is possibly breach and also probably pretty big which is a bad thing for someone as petite as my sister, that's not nice. I am so tired of not being worthy of knowing what is going on, worthy of coming to see the baby until I reach some point on a priority list where I will be below lots of non-sister people, and I'm realizing that no matter what I want I'm not going to get to have the relationship with this bab y that I want.

And I'm so, so tired of that. I still hurt every day because I lost my little brother's part of my life because of his mother 9 years ago. And now I wont' have a relationship with my niece or nephew that approaches normal because for some reason I am a bad person to my sister and I have no idea why. I'm sure I do things wrong, but I am and have been for so long trying SO HARD and all I've learned is that I can't try hard enough or something, at least not if I will not be told what is wrong.

It's very hard to not feel like everyone hates me............at least my whole family does and I don't get it. I really, really don't.

And at this point I have to stop the crying I've done off and on for hours now and start trying to sleep. Tomorrow I'm essentially going to make myself stay or on the bed so that I rest, so more then, including the letter I wrote because I need to know why it was offensive or whatever.

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