Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Saturday, November 10, 2007

If fetuses could take steps

If a fetus could take a step that is the size of today's step, but at least it is a step.

Today I feel a little bit better. I went out and got a haircut (which feels absolutely extravagent after 2 months of no income), then I took myself out to lunch (cheap pizza), and ran 2 errands. And then I came home and napped for 2 hours.

I think part of why I've had such a hard time lately is that I get so extremely frustrated with the fatigue. After a while I forget that it goes away eventually, and that is hard because at my best I am very, very tired a huge percentage of the time. Even when I'm manic I get tired, I just can't rest.

One of the things that has been really tough through these months has been that I've wanted so very badly to not have to fight. There is a fine line between that and totally giving up and so I've had many, many discussions about this with the psychologist. As recently as 2 days ago I had to answer the "do you need the hospital?" question. I don't. I want to lay in bed forever. I don't want to face a world that is so hard for me to fit into. I don't want to die.

However, I realized today that I am very glad I pitched my med stockpile back in May, and that I talked about that with the psychologist. Because I remember feeling like this before. This is how I felt way back when I started lithium, and the exact reason I started lithium was that I felt I was unable to handle getting sick ever again. I had started to feel a tad better, but only for a little bit, and I could tell I faced another depression. I also knew that I just couldn't stand that and that if I felt myself sliding into the kind of depression I had been fighting for months that I would decide to quit. Then I somehow realized that I was thinking this and it horrified me so I got help really quickly. I believe I started lithium and counseling all within a week.

The last few weeks have been full of thinking about my inability to live like this. Except that I have to because this is my life. I may think of dying but I also don't consider that a real choice. I am still waiting to see what my doctor says about my meds. We still aren't right. I'm still depressed. I tried to ask which she wants increased but haven't heard a response. I think I'm going to make a decision myself.

But I'm also really, really glad that I removed the temptation from my house. It's much harder to be impulsive now and I know that's good. For today I'm somewhat ok, and that's progress.

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