Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

So much stress

If I had to list all the things that were difficult for me to handle right now, my short term disability would still be very, very high on the list. Thus far I have had my doctor misplace rather than fax my paperwork, and then I received a check but only for a portion of the time I've been off because they use some sort of formula to determine that my vocation indicates I need 28 days to recover. My doctor then sent in further documentation that I am indeed still sick, and they responded with a letter that they need every note from the psychiatrist and psychologist to prove I am sick; just a statement that I am is not enough. So my mother took my requests for release of info in and faxed them today (stupid HIPPAA; I couldn't just request this over the phone) and hopefully both offices will feel sorry for my sad story about no money for nearly 2 months.

In the meantime I am left worrying. Worrying that somehow they'll find a way out of paying me. Worrying because I don't know what those notes say about the insurance company. I think some of it is pretty specific because I know a lot is written when I'm as sick and having as much suicidal ideation as I have been. I doubt a good way to get money is to insult the insurance. I'm worried I still didn't send everything or that I won't meet some criteria.

Yet I know that I'm sick and that even what I've written here should pretty well prove I can't work. I cannot imagine anyone really wanting a suicidal healthcare provider. I can't even follow time without assistance. We (I) discovered in counseling this week that I partly am being hard on myself thinking I've been off about 3 months when it isn't even 2. I am confused and have to figure out what day it is, every day.

I just fear that I'll be sent back to work not well enough. I don't remember having this fear before. But right now I know how incredibly tired I get if I do anything. I am still in "try to shower and do one thing per day" mode. Today I made brownies and spent 5 minutes clearing the counter. I hopefully will get the shower still this evening. Even with doing that little I still spent nearly 2 hours doing absolutely nothing this afternoon.

I know worrying doesn't help. Yet it is so hard to not worry when there is so much at stake. My psychologist tells me that 60% of bipolar patients have obsessive thinking and this is certainly that. I'm just unable to turn it off. I just can't wait for this to end.

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