Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Monday, November 12, 2007

Micro-party (irony included, of course)

Once again I felt a little less like I was drowning in a mud puddle. The dose increase of Seroquel the other night did make a difference. The psychologist said my thinking and speech and eye contact all were much improved. I've also done a better job at using strategies the last few days.

It was so good to hear verification that I am sounding better. However, there's a problem. At least a likely problem. I started on 25 mg of Seroquel and am now on 650 mg. Those increases were done 25 mg at a time until 300 mg and 50 mg at a time since then. Every single time I have increased I have followed that by a few days of sleeping well, one day of grogginess, a few days of better mood, and then it all declines.

My plan as recently as 3 hours ago was that I was going to up the dose this week to more like 800 mg by my psychiatrist visit on Saturday. I'm tired of waiting around. I don't exactly have permission but she didn't say don't, which usually means I can do what I want. However, I realized that if I go up there feeling way better I'm not going to accurately portray how I've been consistently feeling and how Seroquel works great for several days then burns out. Over and over. So, I'm going to let 650 mg attempt to withstand the time test. I hate that; it seems so cruel to set myself up to feel bad in a few days. I'm pretty sure 650 is not the magical number. I think the magic number is really high, possibly higher than I'm going to be allowed to take. At this point I'm supposed to go back to work Dec. 5 and unless this stuff starts working at at much more consistent level and I get back to a real sleep pattern and start having some actual energy there is no way. I am panicky about that whole idea, I am pretty sure it's too soon, but I'm embarrassed I'm not getting well faster. I know that doesn't make sense, it just is the way I feel. It's kind of hard to explain how I feel just now. I am still cycling, obviously. I am so tired, yet it's a gamble as to when and how much I'll sleep, not to mention the quality. I am physically weak from being out of action for so long; I get completely worn out from small activities.

Another bit of good news was that I not only found my missing family doctor, I have an appointment scheduled. Thank God. I hope the time to get in isn't typical of the practice; it isn't for another 3 weeks. That works for a physical but not so much for acute needs. I'm assuming this is partly "new patient" stuff as well as booking. We'll see.

I hope this week goes smoothly. If it doesn't at least I know I'm choosing this way and therefore I maybe can feel some control? We shall see.

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