Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

The straw that broke the camel's back

I've been doing ok consdiering. Still feeling depressed but getting better, better enough to reduce Dr. Mind visits and to even want to do things sometimes. I've handled things that are stressful at work fairly well, and I've handled overtime I didn't want that has been tiring when I'm already so tired.

I've tried so hard to not get too focused on how many really hard things have happened in the last 4 months. July 17 I was fired. I spent the first week of August waiting for clearance that should have taken days but took a week to come through. I also spent August learning that my antidepressant was nearing the end, and September accepting that fact, while adjusting to a new job, with new stressors and somethings that bug me, like 2 hours I was told I'd be paid for that I never was. I spent October getting more and more depressed as I came off the med. I then spent 9 days in the psych unit, came home and continued to deal with horrible anxiety for weeks. I went back to work still feeling bad enough to be on huge doses of anxiety meds along with huge doses of antipsychotic and the other stuff. I made it 2 weeks and got very sick. I then wound up in the ER twice in one night, missed 2 days of work, had to work a Saturday plus drive 2 hours to see Dr. Brain, and didn't eat right for 2 weeks. I finally got hungry one week ago, and 24 hours later hurt my ankle. After fighting with that all week, and trust me it is NOT easy to be a therapist on crutches (and I have a 1/4 mile walk each day along with the rest), or that can't handle all the weight in the world on your leg. Then I had the weird experience with Vicodin. I had a follow-up with the dr. for my ankle for tomorrow, which I'm very nervous about because I don't know what happens next as it's not healed enough to be back to normal activity with no brace, but with a brace I'm going to get weaker, not better.

And tonight I got home at 8 pm to find a message left on my home phone (the dr's office has my cell and uses it plenty) that if I didn't call by 5 pm about a billing issue I wouldn't be allowed to see the dr tomorrow. How am I supposed to get that message in 3 hours? And the billing issue I'm nearly positive is one I've already talked to them about twice in the last few weeks; they didn't submit a bill to the right insurance and they've been told to do so twice. I have paid them a lot of bills in the last few weeks and was told that was it. I will pay the stupid thing if it lets me get my ankle checked, but that's not fair.

My appt is at 9:15. I will be going, and I will call at 9 sharp and demand to have this resolved. If they won't listen I'll be faxing the dr. and the nurse and anyone else who will listen. I will show up and refuse to leave if I have to. I can't help they don't listen to my "re-bill this" and I have paid them the co-pays I did owe and can prove it. If they'd called a day ago I wouldn't be mad, at least not this mad, but this is totally unfair and totally against what I need for my health. My ankle needs treatment. If it stays immobilized it will get weaker and not heal. If it comes out of the splint it will get hurt again because it is far too weak.

I'm furious. I am also falling apart. I cannot be strong anymore. I have tried and tried and tried and nothing works out. Ever. I'm so tired of not feeling good, and this just really triggered the depression badly again. And because of hte appt for my ankle I cancelled with Dr. Mind tomorrow. You know, because I'm doing so well. Well, all the stress just hit me and I feel very depressed suddenly. I just want to curl up and quit. Everything. That's not suicidal talking, that's just so very, very tired of nothing going right.

I can't even fax up to the dr's office because there is nowhere to fax near here that is open. I'd have to go back to the city. Which would screw up my meds. I tried to call to leave a message but they'll only page the dr for emergencies or cancel appointments. Since mine is apparently cancelled that does not do any good.

I'm never gong to get better. From anything. Obviously this is just going to go on forever.


Emilija said...

You've had a difficult year. Someday this is all going to be in the past- you can get through this!

otgirl said...

Oh honey!