Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Sunday, December 20, 2009


I'm having a hard time coping with this ankle thing. It feels like one more bad thing in a series of so many, and I'm so extremely tired. I'm already completely tired of it hurting and that's likely to continue for a bit yet. And tonight the pain is worse and different, the kind of pain that says "no more walking without the cast boot until at least tomorrow, and be prepared to request another x-ray". Because what I though I remembered turns out to be true when I look it up; ankle sprains can hide small fractures of the foot that show up a couple weeks later, and what I'm feeling now sound very much like a fracture acting up. It's not a big deal if that's what it is; same treatment, just longer in the cast boot. And I'm undoubtedly expecting the worst; the last months have taught me to think that way. It's something I'd unlearned once, and while I've been worse, it's hard to not think everything is going to be rotten.

Mainly I'm tired. I have been tired ever since I was sick. Really I've been tired since about July, but I did feel a little less tired when I first was back to work. But I've never recovered my energy from the GI bug, probably because as soon as I started to eat I immediately did this.

I'm dreading tomorrow because I know it will be insanely busy. Can't help it, it just will be. Essentially I'm planning on getting to work early, taking 15 minutes for lunch, and working as fast as I can. I have an appt with Dr. Mind, and my manager overbooked me without asking. Then she was mad when I said I had to leave on time. I texted her back at that point that I thought that what I did after 8 hours of work was my own business and that I didn't need to let her know about after-work plans, and besides I've had this same appointment every Monday for months now. The truth is that they're going to be in for a shock here. I'm starting PT and that will mean probably 3 days/week of that and 1 time with Dr. Mind, plus 1 time per month with Dr. Brain. I'll be doing less overtime. Physically it's just not possible. And it's not my fault they don't have anyone to do back-up. I'm willing to work over when I can, but for the next while I'm just not able to do as much.

I'm just so tired of all I write about, all I think about, all I do is work and deal with phsyical issues. I have much more to write about the psych stay. It's just no longer able to be the topic I can focus on.

By the way, since most of you haven't been around too long, this is how I am from December 1 through mid-January. Not usually this sick/hurt, but I struggle this time of year and whininess accompanies it. The truth is that I'm struggling with depression, which goes hand in hand with the holidays, and everything else is adding to it this year. The depression has been getting better, but now that I feel stuck and that my body is attacking me my patience with it is getting slim, and the depression gets worse. I'm back to crying and having other symptoms. We'll get through it, we always do, but this may not be your favorite blog and it might be the most frustrating to listen to for a bit.


Michal Ann said...

I love some of your new realizations: you need to have help for some tasks, you need to maintain boundaries with your snotty manager, you know what to expect at this time of year, you know you're fatigued, you understand the medical aspects of a small fracture vs. a sprain and so on and you've given the "whininess" alert.

You're so fortunate to have a team to work with you. Can you imagine if you lived in a different day and age?

I just came from a party at the Veteran's hospital in Seattle. My uncle died there earlier this week so I was disappointed not to be able to visit him in long term care. I learned details of his final day and it's reassuring to know he was in the palm of the Lord's hand throughout his transition to freedom in heaven. Members of our small church provided a party in the long term care ward of the hospital as well as a party in the psych unit. My girlfriend has been an inpatient on the psych ward so she has a real heart for doing this outreach. It all went so well. It was wonderful to get outside myself and my own grief over broken relationships and help others who have next to nothing.

I've seen my veteran friend, the former psych. ward patient, heal and grow over about 17 years. When she first became a believer at that time, she whispered to me "where is Genesis?" She literally began "in the beginning" and has grown and healed so greatly. Now she's generally free of anxiety attacks, self-"medication" and many other "demons" that disabled her for much of her life. Tonight was a triumph of Christ's healing in her life and the resulting overflow of blessings to others.

I'll be thinking of you, JustMe. You're on the path, even if you're hobbled by a cast. I hope you'll take absolute advantage of this reality. That is, I hope you point to the cast and the necessary appointments and draw boundaries which will assist your healing and perhaps prompt others to take care of their own responsibilities like staffing appropriately. I wonder if they know about the American with Disabilities Act (ADA). Stand on your rights and others may benefit, too.

Remember the Advent of our Savior on this final Sunday before Christmas.

Isaiah 61

Good News for the Oppressed

1 The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me, for the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor.

He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted
and to proclaim that captives will be released
and prisoners will be freed.
2 He has sent me to tell those who mourn
that the time of the Lord’s favor has come,
and with it, the day of God’s anger against their enemies.
3 To all who mourn in Israel,
He will give a crown of beauty for ashes,
a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
festive praise instead of despair.
In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks
that the Lord has planted for His own glory.
4 They will rebuild the ancient ruins,
repairing cities destroyed long ago.
They will revive them,
though they have been deserted for many generations.

Michal Ann said...

Always praying that you'll feel God's strength in body, mind, soul and spirit. Today is the darkest day of the year, but the bright lights of the season are overcoming the darkness because the Light of the world has come.

Isaiah 9: 1a-2

To Us a Child Is Born

1 Nevertheless, there will be no more gloom for those who were in distress....

2 The people walking in darkness
have seen a great light;
on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned.