Maybe

I'm thinking that perhaps I need to make a long list of things I don't do because of my childhood and what I learned, and then start doing them all.

For example, staying home today. I don't feel that good. There really is something going on, it's just not major. But I'm well enough that I've been up doing easy things. Then I have to rest again. until recently I NEVER would have stayed home like this. In fact, back in November when I had a horrible bug that wound up with testing for appendicits, parasites, and involved 2 ER trips and 2 days off work even though I got sick Friday evening, I felt rotten all that afternoon. My stomach just didn't feel right. I mentioned it and was teased that it was psychosomatic because of all the patients getting sick, but I'd felt bad before that started. Nonetheless I made it through the whole day and was driving home before I admitted I felt awful. The vomiting started soon after I got home and continued for days.

I'm so proud of myself for staying home and resting. I needed that more than anything in the world. I wish I could nap a bit more, but even if I don't at least I'm sitting still most of the day.

There are so many other things I learned wrong that I need to re-learn. I used to joke that I had to take "grown-up lessons" because some things that were so simple were so scary to me. Well, that may be true. Stupid things like:

-it's ok to feel sick

-it's also ok to admit you feel sick

-AND, it's ok to take time off for more than mental health (and it doesn't have to be a crisis to do that)

-it's ok to set boundaries for work

-It's ok to feel and admit pain. Pain IS treatable and usually means something isn't right. Like I tell patients and believe fully for them, all the time.....

-it's ok to tell people who are scaring you to leave your home

-it's ok to not chose to be afraid

-I am the only one who makes decisions about my body. I don't have to let doctors be mean or inconsiderate just because they are doctors

-It's ok to be tired. (On this I've gone from the extreme of knowing I can't get tired to not paying attention when I do).

Who knows what else. I'm going to try to nap a bit. We'll see.

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