Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Sunday, May 30, 2010

I can't shut up today

After weeks of having little to say here, today I want to say a lot. I keep thinking "I want to put that on the blog", so I do. I think that is called "Jen, relaxed, for the first time in 3 months".

I'm pretty sure that I blogged that I got the results back from my tests done by the gynecologist with urological specialization. She found no blood in my urine, meaning my bladder is clear. I do not need the test I have worried about for 4 years. Praise God. While I'm so grateful I am also annoyed because I could have known this in February had Dr. I-can-fix-PTSD-by-arguing-with-you Urologist bothered to do an exam. She never touched me, she just argued about what I could tolerate and then scheduled the test. I kind of wonder if Dr. Amazing did the straight cath to show me I could handle it all, but the results were pretty much perfect urine. The only thing not perfect was the thing that is messed up by diabetes insipidus (the urine is too dilute) and even that was in the normal range, although at the last possible normal number. Still, that means my meds are working and I'm doing well at drinking enough. When I was first diagnosed my urine was so dilute that it came up at the lowest number testable. Now I am retaining electrolytes, just not as much as I should.

She did suggest I see a urologist about the cyst on my kidney and had a specific one in mind who she felt can handle my PTSD. I went to see Dr. Body this week and he is comfortable with monitoring the cyst with annual ultrasounds unless it starts to grow or something. So, the great blood in the urine thing is finally over.

When I talked to Dr. Mind last week I told him this, and that I realized now that my recent bout of PTSD was started in the hospital, but that it really kicked up a notch or ten higher after the awful urologist, and now that I've managed to handle the appointment with the wonderful dr. at Cleveland Clinic (and in advertisement for the Clinic, including the hospital doctors I have now seen 5 doctors there and every single one of them has been amazingly great. Three of the drs. were on the psych unit and they were far and away the best part of the stay (aside from the not wanting to kill myself thing). Dr. Brain is awesome, but I knew that for years prior to her moving to the Clinic. This doctor wasn't one I was referred to, Dr. Brain didn't know her, but she was heaven-sent. I can't tell you how happy I am that I now have a gynecologist who I'm not scared of.

I've really been working on what I finally decided was an aspect of the hospital PTSD: my food aversions. Essentially since I left the hospital I've eaten soups (which had to be pureed, no texture or I couldn't stand it; yogurt (4 specific flavors); pudding (1 specific type); toast with butter and strawberry jelly; cereal bars; scrambled eggs with fake cheese; pizza (but only thin crust and only with specific toppings) and celery with peanut butter or cream cheese. I've had almost no meat or fish. I have been able to eat chicken as an ingredient as long as it was shredded finely. Needless to say, this is not an ideal diet, and as time has passed and I've still not been able to eat, I realized much of this comes from the diet the hospital forced me on, the one that took away anything with broth, gravy, many veggies, and the typical MAOI stuff. I was left with nothing that seemed remotely edible since I went into the hospital barely eating and had just started eating the same day they took away my food. I think about 50% of the PTSD of the last months has been because losing control of what I could eat like that when I knew perfectly well that I truly could have those things and they were the only things I felt like eating at all. I think my abused brain just kicked in with a fear of eating. I've tried forcing myself to eat things, but I can't; I just either don't eat them or I gag. So I've been working hard for the past few weeks to increase what I will eat. I've been mixing up baby food with spices so that I can start to enjoy the taste of vegetables and stuff without dealing with texture. In return I've started trying different foods. Aside from a whole (small) fresh tomato yesterday I've not managed to upgrade to grown-up texture veggies yet, but I have had taco salad without cheese that included meats and cooked veggies; tacos with fake cheese; scallops; broccoli (I've eaten some of it twice, just not enough to count as really eating it); and a baked potato. In baby food I'm now enjoying squash, sweet potatoes (ready to try the real thing there), and some green veggies. I'm also reintroducing fruit and can now eat bananas and applesauce. I've had baby food peaches but am not ready for real ones yet. Another problem I've had is with foods with multi-textures and tastes and I'm working on that with baby foods too. Today I had the equivilant of beefaroni and while I'm a long way from the real stuff there it tasted pretty good.

I know this sound completely weird, a 34 year old eating baby food, but it's the only way i can figure out to relearn eating and it is working so I don't really care it is it bizarre. I want to get back to losing weight and to do that requires actually eating a variety of foods. I have 20 lbs. more to go and I really want to lose them.

and this should be today's last post..........getting sleepy. Sorry for typos. I am wearing a glove on a very lotioned hand per the dr. because the alcohol gel we use at work is making my birthmark crack and bleed. So we're getting as much moisture in there as possible, prescription steroid cream and really good lotions. It's not easy to type in the glove.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I LOVE all the posting -- your writing is so honest and palpable!

As for a baby food diet -- I think about it almost every time I feed my baby, and I can't believe no one's come up with a diet plan using it, lol!

Glad everything went so well . . .=)