Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Three more days. Can I do it?

My contract is ALMOST up. Thank God. It is getting harder by the day in some ways. I can feel a lot of resentment, yet at the same time those same people are being nice to me as per usual. Which gives me false security.

I am working off the clock a LOT as it is the only way to do the extra thing this week, deal with the difficult/one on one intense therapy caseload I am given, and stay under hours. I no longer care about productivity; I'll be productive if and when I am given a reasonable caseload. Otherwise, they can't fire me now.

The thing is that while things have been awkward and I'm aware that people who have said nice things to my face and never complained to me have said some pretty horrible things so I don't trust them, and I'm angry and they are resentful, and they are stressed as they have no replacement for me which makes them resent me more (even though they are the ones who made it so I couldn't stay and help a few more weeks; we were willing to do that while waiting for a placement more like what I wanted), there are also a lot of good things about this place and the people I've worked with. I hate that part.

I also hate the resentment. Today someone said something that made it pretty clear she has decided somewhere along the line that I haven't fully done my job, putting things aside for my own convenience. Whatever. The only times I have dropped minutes was if I was booked for insane amounts of hours and couldn't fit everyone in by bedtime. It hurt.

On the other hand, I'm excited for my change. I am ready for something new, and I am ready to see if I can do this (ie learn a new practice area, after 9 1/2 years in the same arena aside from very part-time home health 7 or 8 years ago). I'm tired of feeling bad about myself because I can't do what is impossible in this job. I'm tired of eating time just so they can get every drop of energy I have without paying for it.

To be totally honest I'm also tired of realizing that "oh, THIS" is another accusation they probably made against me and it wasn't fair or true. I never got a chance to defend myself because they made a lot of statements and then refused to answer the questions my company sent. In my company's view that makes me innocent of all charges, and I am very grateful they haven't told me details, but I can guess a lot and who what came from and it makes it hard to pretend everything is fine. I think my ethics were brought into question and nothing makes me more angry, especially when I've worked my butt off for them for so long.

Anyway, I may be getting sleepy. We'll see. It's hard to burn off the stress after a day like this.


Anonymous said...

You can TOTALLY do it. It sucks, but you will get through this!

Jean Grey said...

I think you will like home care OT. I had a couple of home care patients- they were private pay, so I know it is not the same. I didn't have visit limitations and insurance ADL goals or paperwork. But still- in homecare there is lots of room to be creative and do things the way that you want to do them. I bought my own "toys" and equipment to treat with. As OT's, I really think that we should be treating most of our patients in the home. In an ideal world.

Julia said...

I am so glad you are moving on from those people...