Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Saturday, May 15, 2010

The way it ended

Yesterday was challenging. I had to do several hard evals, drive between buildings twice, say good-byes, and stay patient with the whole thing where people didn't know how to act, including me. But the worst thing by far was my last patient.

It wasn't anything about her. She was very nice. It just wasn't the best thing for me to see at that moment. Dr. Brain has been doing well, at least to the best of my knowledge. I try not to constantly ask her and she has given only short answers the last few times. She looks better. But some of that may be my adjusting to how she looks now, although she is getting some hair back and looks less pale and the steroid face is gone. But anyway, Dr. Brain's illness isn't something that my mind puts on hold; I worry about her as you would anyone you care deeply about struggling with a cancer diagnosis. And I also have the added difficulty of having lost a childhood friend to breast cancer a few months ago.

So this woman was very young, not a ton older than me, and she is at the very end stages of breast cancer. I really, really didn't want to go in there and I've been sad ever since I left. I know that Dr. Brain's situation is different, but I'm terrified of losing her and this made that all come back in a very ugly way.

After not doing anything all day (I've been awake but reading since afternoon) I'm having a hard time relaxing. Enough that I've had extra Klonopin and now Vistaril. I have now done some cleaning/sorting of the sewing stuff that has been taking over the world and I have (I hope) gotten my sewing machine working properly after a week of fistfights between it and I.

I'm starting to get sleepy so I'd better go.

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