Things are coming together. One of the diaries that appeared from nowhere has many answers. I've spent numerous periods sobbing, as well as at least getting in the direction of anger as I read this diary that gives me a timeline for much of what happened in terms of when my parents found out and the seeming flurry of activity and my mother crying with my grandmother as she told why we'd have a sitter at home effective immediately. Yet within 3 days of all this drama I was left alone with my grandfather.My sister was kept away for about 3 months. Guess 6 months is old enough to defend yourself. I'm glad I've never seen this journal before because it is not easy reading.
As I go through this more memories come back (both the diary and the tape). I am starting to use the word "feel" but then don't get a feeling word out. So I'm going to have Dr. Mind explain what should be in my blanks.
This is just so incredibly hard so I have no idea about posting. Today it felt too hard but since I freaked out completely writing the last post and edited a bunch off and posted without looking I wanted to just say that I'm ok but this is beyond difficult. If I didn't have the diary I think I'd be sitting here waiting for something, but taking notes from it has brought a lot out.
I went for another long walk tonight. I discovered that in 90 minutes you can cover nearly the entire incorporated part of the town. I didn't go into development and the cemetery, otherwise I was out to the outer boundary, the right boundary (almost, didn't 'walk to it specifically) and the left boundary.
Someone is coming to buy my old mower in the mower. I hope I can sleep.
Be around as I can. This is so hard because I just can't share it all. There are a lot of things that need to stay between Dr. Mind and I and as more comes out I seem to be more and more upset and occasionally I say something that should be angry except that I know that emotion should be there and instead I have no real emotion. Sarcasm in my notes sometimes, but I think I'm on the brink of learning angry. This is going to make Monday's counseling hard.
Please pray that I can eat. I just don't want to and today I've had a few glasses of milk (the only thing that is good), a yogurt cup at 4 AM when the cat demanded breakfast, a few spoonfuls of macaroni salad and a few peanut butter crackers. Oh, and a banana. Not good.
Anyway, I'm going to see if I can get to a point in this diary where I can put it down without having more nightmares.
Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com
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3 comments:
Jen,
I was out of town at the wedding I told you about and am just now catching up on your posts...
First of all, WOW - a letter from Selah. As Michal said, if that doesn't put God's stamp of approval on this concert, I don't know what! I surely hope it works out for you to go and it sure is cool to have a connection. Just WOW!
The news story... the diaries - coincidence? I think not. I see God's perfect timing for you here. Actually, I see Him guiding you through this - like every day! That's what it looks like from here... I wonder if you feel that too?
It also sounds like you are having a break through / transition of some sort... as you say, "on the brink". Gosh, how does a person react to all of this? It's a lot to take in, Jen. Like I say, sitting here (me) all this information is looking very overwhelming - simply cannot imagine being in your shoes.
BUT, these are positives! Give yourself time to absorb. To process. To work through it. Be gentle with yourself. I was glad to hear that you got outside for a walk - that's good! And, I will pray for an increase in appetite and peaceful/healing sleep.
About blogging. Please don't feel guilty about NOT posting. We love you either way. There are times when writing helps, and times to be silent and reflective. Go with what feels good for YOU - put yourself first. If we get worried, we will say so and you can post "I am ok." and all will be good. Ha!
Take a minute to be proud of yourself, will you? This is heavy hard stuff (and that's a big understatement) you are tackling. Be proud you are working through it. Step by step and day by day you move forward, and Jen? Once again, you are being AMAZING. I am so very proud to know you.
Will be praying for you. Sending you comforting thoughts and prayers tonight.
Becky
Yes, Jen. Yes, Becky.
Jen, I sent you an email but forgot to ask if you were able to eat today. I hope so. And I also hope you are sleeping soundly and peacefully and don't see this until tomorrow~!
Becky
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