Jen, thank you so much for writing me. I haven't checked this email in a while because I'm so busy with Josiah, but today I had a few minutes. I was so moved by your email. I just sat here crying for you. I'm so sorry that people hurt you and made you feel like you weren't good enough for God; I'm so sorry that you've struggled so much with your health; and I'm so sorry that you're having to lay down your career at the cross. That being said, I really feel like God has something so great in store for you. We all often go through periods of putting God on the back burner, but when we finally start to put Him first and really seek His will for our lives, that's when He can do so much with us.
I really hope you can come to the concert in OH, I would love to meet you.
Please keep me posted as the date comes closer, so I can be looking for you, should you decide to come. And don't let your inability to sit still hinder you from coming out. Just come. Like God says, Just come as you are, and He'll take care of the rest.
As in, I got a personal response to the only fan letter I'm likely to ever send. I am so thrilled. It came when I most needed it too.
I'm fighting hard with I continue to feel nothing about the sexual abuse. It makes me sad but really feels like it was someone else. I usually cry near the end of the tape when Dr. Mind talks about it not being my fault. However, the rest of it is so distant and it feels so weird to be so unemotional even while reminding myself that this story is talking about ME. I have no feelings. I'm not sure I can even identify what feelings are supposed to be there. Anyway, it is discouraging and frustrating. I feel like I'm going to be going back to Dr. Mind and admitting defeat. Which isn't true. Since he's here this coming week and then gone for a week I know he's not going to throw me into some new way of shaking the protective coating off but I also know that not only do I need that and that I'll probably just have to wait out the time he is gone. Possibly I will be continue to listen to the tape. I know that I have pulled myself so far from this because every other time I've struggled greatly with insomnia at first and generally have been totally isolated from everything but that set of thoughts for days. This is much harder and I'm showing no signs of getting it.
The only sign that this is at all hard is a tension headache. I was going to take a walk but then I needed my headache medicine and I had no idea if I would be really sleepy from it. Turns out I didn't. I was surprised because I took it last night and it did make me sleepy. But although I'm a bit tired I'm awake. So now I know I can take easy walks with that stuff. I know I have to watch for my blood pressure to lower with this and since it is a muscle relaxant I also need to be careful of hurting my ankle. But on the plus side I think we can be sure these are tension. The eye dr. said it wasn't my vision. And the headaches have increased each time I've started a new story. (And Miss I'm-not-sleepy yawned as hard as possible).
And to demonstrate that I may be getting fancy emails but my life is less than glamorous, I just had to clean up cat puke that had enough weirdness I had to get a plastic knife and poke through it to see what on earth it was (looked like a huge worm). Don't know other than she ate something she shouldn't have. Again.
Anyway, interesting day and I also am having trouble typing because I am so sleepy. Have a good night.
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