Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Friday, June 22, 2012

Your turn

So for a year now I have written only what I wanted to.  During the last few months it's been more difficult because many things just don't belong here yet it's been all I've lived and breathed.  I am more or less on a therapy vacation until a week from Monday (I have to go see another therapist for a check-in to make sure I'm not suicidal or flipping out in a delayed response from this, since I kind of stunned both Dr. Mind and myself by my reaction when something much easier had me on the verge of driving to the hospital.

But my instructions are to rest, continue getting my equilibrium, no tapes, no working on taping myself which I think I need to do because I have to feel something or we've not done much.  I'm not allowed to read more diaries until my safety net is home since it is quite possible something is going to appear with a nuance I never picked up before that makes me feel better.  It used to be that rape meant pen**i*le penet*tra*+tion.  I always felt that took away from my my experience; I described it for years as "everything but rape".  Shortly before Dr. Mind and I started on this topic I read somewhere random that the definition has changed.  I checked, and sure enough I now have a word for what happened and that makes a difference in that it feels validated.  I would always read about people who had been molested and while not ignoring their pain I usually found myself thinking that using the same word for what happened to me as them wasn't quite right.  Now, although I doubt I'm going to run around saying "I was raped" there is an acknowledgement that really bad things happened.  So I'm open to discussion on that too.

Frankly I don't know what to do with myself.  I did a lot of cleaning in my bedroom tonight and there's plenty more to do through the house.  I can only do so much and then I get lost or overwhelmed (I forget one task, leaving whatever I'm organizing out, do something else, find the mess, get distracted, etc as well as just getting tired quickly.)  But I want to try to do some.  I am feeling better, not like who I used to be but some version of that who I don't know.  /the therapy for PTSD truly worked (one more to go hopefully) and I have gotten steadily better since the Mirena IUD (tiny amounts of hormones are released.  My body hates hormones) was removed 3 weeks ago.  So there will be no more hormones for me, ever.  I don't know how to settle into being someone who isn't me but is me.  And I really don't want to spend 10 days thinking about that.  

I'm working on an application for financial assistance to let me see Dr. Body without paying out of pocket but I'm stuck waiting for a form to come.  Bless him, he told me that he'll let me determine a need for antibiotics because I have never abused them (aka I usually need stronger ones because I ignore things until I'm good and sick, at least that was true when I got sinus infections.  I can't explain this but since I had whooping cough I've not had a sinus infection.  Until then I had them every few months.  I have the bad combination of not being able to take meds to prevent junk from growing in my swampy sinuses if I catch a cold because I can't take meds, and I have tiny nasal passages, tiny sinuses, tiny throat, and it leads to gunk collecting.  I think perhaps whooping cough altered my passageways.

So, now is your chance.  Ask anything.  It can be about bipolar, my change in lifestyle from well off to not in a few weeks, the PTSD treatment, my Selah obsession, what social security is like, my med situation/effect on recovery, abuse, daily life, my upcoming anniversary next week of 6 months out of the hospital, financial assistance I've found invaluable as a low income uninsured person with multiple medical issues, my sick cat, my healthy cat, my obsession with milk with a drop of chocolate in it, whooping cough and my spiel about how you need to take action to protect yourself from feeling crummy while risking infecting someone like me who isn't vaccinated, typically an infant, who can die.  You can ask about my knitting and whoever guesses the correct total of hats I've made since August and have no discarded or that weren't for my niece gets a pretend prize.  You can ask anything else you'd like as well.  Grieving questions are welcome although I tend to only realize the grieving has hit when hours have past from seemingly random  sobbing.  Don't ask what having your life totally change in nearly every way in 9 months is like because I don't know.  You can ask what I remember of those months. (short answer).  You can ask about my complicated feelings about the potential of having a hysterectomy and the fear of anesthesia plus my TERROR of the spinal she hopes she can do it with even though usually that way is reserved for someone who gave birth.  May not happen but given the twinges of pain I'd say not promising start.

Anyway, your turn.

Or you can continue reading last night's novel.  I just didn't know how to divide that up well.

I want to write another of my "In 11 years" posts because those make me happy and may be valuable as I adjust.

Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com


Anonymous said...

Hey Jen,
I sure like you and the way you operate - it makes me smile the way you work so hard, and then also take care of yourself by following Dr's orders for some well deserved R&R. Do you realize how great it is that you can actually do this? What I mean is to let yourself take a little break - not so many months ago I don't think that would have been possible.

OK - so you know me and you know that I always have questions. Although, because you are supposed to be on R&R, I don't know that I want to ask any relating to your experience - making you think/write about it seems to go AGAINST Dr's orders. Am I right? Or wrong?

One thing I can surely relate to is the feeling that "what happened to me isn't as bad as what happened to other people,etc etc..." feelings. I remember feeling extremely _____ when my therapist said, "Yes, Becky. You were sexually abused." Now, what I felt was questionable. Relief? A little. Hurt? A lot. Validation? Yes. But also sad that my life had become diagnosises of verbal, mental, sexual (in marriage) and now sexual abuse as a child. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THAT? Question of the year, huh?

One thing that I feel I can ask you about is why you insist that "I have to feel something or we've not done much." I don't get that reasoning. So, if it's not too instrusive and not against your R&R, that is my first question to you. I have more (if you want - like I said, always here with questions!)

Be good to yourself today - breathe some fresh air, and r-e-l-a-x. This is a well deserved break for you! Smile, and be very proud inside of what you've accomplished because it's been A LOT.

I always thank God for holding you up - now I ask Him to help you just "be" - restful and peaceful with Him right beside you.

xx oo Becky

Michal Ann said...

I'm not sure what "in 11 years" means.

Much of the weekend will involve staying with grandkids and grandpets. I got the call today. The parents need time away to do planning for work and family. They've been making some good efforts and I need/want to support them.

I will be back reading and listening if I have access to a computer. Off to a Celebrate Recovery meeting tonight.

I'm with Becky...r-e-s-t, fresh air and all the other things that good moms try to tell themselves and their LOVED ONES!

(((hugs))) Michal

Oh, p.s. A lot of people in the Seattle area are too "health conscious" (???) to vaccinate. I assume that's one reason why our state has declared an epidemic of Whooping Cough/pertussis. My sis and BIL had it some years back and were SOOO sick. I think I'll get a booster.