Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Tuesday, June 05, 2012

First and most important I've had numerous wonderfully kind and supportive comments and I know that right now I'm not able to write the responses that I really want to say.  So instead, for the moment at least, THANK YOU, all of you, for being what I need.

I've been right that this part would be harder than the previous.  Everything today has been hard to deal with.  My neighbors put up what I think is a target practice deer for I assume bows and arrows while I was mowing.  I turned around and came back up the hill and actually swore in surprise then was very grateful I have to wear a mask.  I swear, they shoot into my yard and someone pays.  (They fire fireworks toward my house so this is realistic to worry about).  What with the only hospital that I have full coverage at being several hours away it is really important I not get shot while gardening.  I wound up in tears while trying to read something online because I was cold and trying to stay under a blanket and I couldn't use the key combinations needed to do what I wanted on my netbook in that position.  I put a DVD on and had to turn it off because innocous things were triggering me.    Sleep last night was a joke.  It was light out and I was trying to figure out what kind of bird I was hearing when I finally apparently fell asleep.

I think I'm getting more grouchy and sensitive as it gets later because I am so tired and then next week doesn't feel like it will be much fun.  I don't think that there's a lot of hope of feeling much better for a while.  Thursday, even if I succeed in getting Dr. Mind to cut back a little bit, is not going to help me feel better.  Saturday I have to go see Dr. Brain which
is a long trip and she can't offer much to help because I have to finish this first.  I am so eager to get to the day that we can try to get my sleeping to be on some schedule.  It is counter to everything I've ever been taught about sleep to let the trauma control it temporarily.  I know the temporarily part is the most important and that I do have sleeping pills if I get desperate but sleeping pills and nightmares aren't fun so I don't really want to do that if possible.  Then I am dogsitting at my mom's all weekend.  I have to come home SAturday and get my cat who travels with me, then stay there a few days and then Monday I have to come halfway home for an eye dr. appointment, then home to feed the 2nd cat who hates to travel, then up to Dr. Mind, then back to my mom's until Tuesday afternoon.  That's all going to be interesting what with dogs not operating at all on my schedule and while sick cat has spent one night at a time with me at my mom's I don't know how she will like several days.

But at least it is something I can do to help my mom.

As for the rest, I need to feel like I am in control of something.  The part where I listened to my own words not whispered but said with feeling, there was something good in the awfulness there.  Mostly awful but somehow what is needed.  That's why I hope Dr. Mind will do things my slightly slower way.  This is going to take time.  Weeks ago I asked if I had to say everything.  He said it could take a few paths and he kind of gently implied he thought I needed to say it, because I haven't.  After some further treatment I even agreed with that.  In reality I have said it I guess, it's just that I might as well have been reading a list of random words.  So I'm pretty sure I'm not done with it, that I have to learn to say it without shutting down or having a panic attack.  And I really, really think that needs to be slow.  I hope he agrees.  (There's also this little thing of getting to a comfortable stopping point before he has vacation in a few weeks.)

I am not sure my body has stopped reacting to yesterday yet.  28 hours.......and counting.
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1 comment:

Michal Ann said...

I have to run help with something so I'll keep this short. Good to keep in touch...

I wonder if it somehow helps to just resign yourself to the "terrible awful no good very bad day(s)??" I'm wondering if the expectation that it will be better quickly is a set up for disappointment?

Random thought...

I trust you and Dr. Mind to work out the right pace. I'm glad he's going to be around for a few more weeks. I thought the "pinch hitter" was coming in sooner than that.

Blessings of strength to you and your loved ones, especially the couple with the medical crisis.

Love, Michal