Are you really saying "in only 2 days I will get past the most frightening part???" PAST, or in the midst, or what??
No. Things are probably going to be very rough for several weeks. I have a tendency sometimes to focus so hard on the worst thing coming up that I ignore the next step. That's kind of how I survive counseling sometimes. This is one time that is most vital because if I think beyond hearing someone else read those words I get panicky and start to think I can't handle tomorrow. I really don't know what tomorrow will be like. I know that the plan/goal/whatever is that I'll hear that from someone else and feel something. But I have very few identifiable feelings about the specifics, just lots of them about overall.
Last night after I wrote the last post I started thinking. I don't know the right words to use, but this all is something passive I experienced that I don't feel much about. It was something I survived, each experience. As a whole I can say "According to the new definitions I was repeatedly raped as a child" and I'm angry and disgusted and scared and many other things. Looking at individual events I only feel that they were things that I got through however I could. The individual things just feel like movies I've seen. The memories are real but it often was better to make whatever experience a movie to keep it far enough from me. When I write these stories I don't remember them in words so much as I remember kind of watching it happen. I can't explain. I don't remember my grandfather's face or much about him except that he was overweight, bald, and had a mustache. I know that from pictures. My father lives in my mind as how he looked and acted when I was about 10 and there was still some normalcy with him. I am so glad that I don't look like either of them. It's a family joke that my paternal genes are really strong because my uncles all looked alike and 10/11 of my generation do. I share my curly hair with one cousin. Otherwise I look mostly like my grandmother and a little of my mom. I guess there is one other female cousin who looks like my grandma but when she was younger she didn't, and a few of my grandma's features are only in me (mostly paler than pale skin).
After tomorrow I will be dealing with this. I'm just choosing to not think about that part yet. I did get Dr. Mind's permission to stop support group for a while because it feels like one more thing I have to do, I can't get the support I need there because I'm not going to be so specific and this isn't like we're talking about it all, we're doing specific, forceful, scary things.
Oh crap. At med time I started to make a snack because I realized that I had eaten nothing but some pasta all day and was getting shaky. I stuffed food in to get my blood sugar to stabilize but clearly need to eat more often. It took a while to fix that and I got out of my routine. And that means, as always, the routine was broken. So I'm going to go take my meds now........oops.