Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Monday, June 04, 2012

Um, sometimes I let myself live in fantasy land

Michal (astutely) asks:

Are you really saying "in only 2 days I will get past the most frightening part???"  PAST, or in the midst, or what??

No.  Things are probably going to be very rough for several weeks.  I have a tendency sometimes to focus so hard on the worst thing coming up that I ignore the next step.  That's kind of how I survive counseling sometimes.  This is one time that is most vital because if I think beyond hearing someone else read those words I get panicky and start to think I can't handle tomorrow.  I really don't know what tomorrow will be like.  I know that the plan/goal/whatever is that I'll hear that from someone else and feel something.  But I have very few identifiable feelings about the specifics, just lots of them about overall.  

Last night after I wrote the last post I started thinking.  I don't know the right words to use, but this all is something passive I experienced that I don't feel much about.  It was something I survived, each experience.  As a whole I can say "According to the new definitions I was repeatedly raped as a child" and I'm angry and disgusted and scared and many other things.  Looking at individual events I only feel that they were things that I got through however I could.  The individual things just feel like movies I've seen.  The memories are real but it often was better to make whatever experience a movie to keep it far enough from me.  When I write these stories I don't remember them in words so much as I remember kind of watching it happen.  I can't explain.  I don't remember my grandfather's face or much about him except that he was overweight, bald, and had a mustache.  I know that from pictures.  My father lives in my mind as how he looked and acted when I was about 10 and there was still some normalcy with him.  I am so glad that I don't look like either of them.  It's a family joke that my paternal genes are really strong because my uncles all looked alike and 10/11 of my generation do.  I share my curly hair with one cousin.  Otherwise I look mostly like my grandmother and a little of my mom.  I guess there is one other female cousin who looks like my grandma but when she was younger she didn't, and a few of my grandma's features are only in me (mostly paler than pale skin).

After tomorrow I will be dealing with this.  I'm just choosing to not think about that part yet.  I did get Dr. Mind's permission to stop support group for a while because it feels like one more thing I have to do, I can't get the support I need there because I'm not going to be so specific and this isn't like we're talking about it all, we're doing specific, forceful, scary things.

Oh crap.  At med time I started to make a snack because I realized that I had eaten nothing but some pasta all day and was getting shaky.  I stuffed food in to get my blood sugar to stabilize but clearly need to eat more often.  It took a while to fix that and I got out of my routine.  And that means, as always, the routine was broken.  So I'm going to go take my meds now........oops.

Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com


Anonymous said...

Good Morning, Jen.

Hey, whatever it takes - focus where you will!

Very glad to hear you don't have this part of your past staring at you every time you look in the mirror. Sheesh - hard enough without that. By the way, I have green eyes too. I think my daughter told me there's only 3% of us who do. Does that make us special? :-)

You know, what you are saying about removing yourself from the specifics makes perfect sense to me. Kind of like you compartmentalize it in your mind as a way of coping. What else were you to do with all of it?

Maybe this therapy is like opening a door to that area of your mind (?) Acknowledging the door exists is hard enough. Let alone opening it. And then, sharing that "room" with anyone else. I see what you are doing now (listening to the story) as sitting in that room and looking all around.

I don't know if this analogy makes any sense at all, but if it does I do have a question: the point of therapy is NOT to permanently close off that "room", is it? And Jen? Whatever it is, I have confidence the outcome will be a positive one.

I've read your blog for a long time now, and from this end you seem to be "better" in many different ways. I am not saying there isn't a HUGE struggle/challenge going on, but I see you taking control of it and dealing with it really well. Just an observation from me out here in blogland!

I hope you have a good day today. If you don't have the rain that we had yesterday, maybe some fresh air and sunshine?


Michal Ann said...

Oh, I'm always so "on board" with Becky's observations.

As you know, Anne (with an "e"), had green (hazel? gray) eyes. Anne thrived when there was "scope for the imagination." She used her coping technique to counterbalance the neglect and harm that were her lot prior to life at Green Gables and continued to apply her "imagination" when challenged by on-going situations at Avonlea.

It's perfectly reasonable. Of course you "removed" yourself as far as possible from trauma, a "head trip" if you will. Isn't this common if not universal when someone is traumatized, particularly as a child? I look forward to hearing your thoughts about Becky's questions about the "room."

Thinking of you often...and praying you'll be able to manage good self care, mindful of the basics like light, air, exercise, nutrition, hydration, med. schedule, SOMETHING FUNNY and light occasionally. Good, clean, bright jokes, YouTubes, movie suggestions anyone?

May a beautiful rainbow shine to bridge the path from the darkness to the light and may every raindrop be refreshing to your soul. Soak in the Word below, dwelling on it until it's roots are established deep within. I will join you!

Love, Michal

Hebrews 13:5b-6
Amplified Bible (AMP)

for He [God] Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. [I will] not, [I will] not, [I will] not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake nor let [you] down (relax My hold on you)! [Assuredly not!]

So we take comfort and are encouraged and confidently and boldly say, The Lord is my Helper; I will not be seized with alarm [I will not fear or dread or be terrified]. What can man do to me?