Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Friday, June 01, 2012

Some "decision"

I was aware walking out of Dr. Mind's office that there wasn't a realistic way that I was going to learn how to read or talk about this stuff without feeling in 3 days.  I just liked the idea that I could force it.  It hasn't taken long to realize that I can't force it.  And Dr. Mind the first has reassured me that this normal. So I am going to have to trust Dr. Mind more than I ever have before, which is saying a LOT, and let him help me hurt for tiny, blond curlyhaired, blue eyed, Jen.  (I was small for my age always, my hair is now dark brown, my eyes are green (really I think they are grey.  or hazel.  never can keep those straight).  I'm not even trying for now.  I'm very stressed and scared and dreading it so much that I've cried about that, but I know this has to happen and that I can't do it.  I have 36 years of doing this and a few days won't make me change.  I remember the only other therapist I've talked about this much with, Dr. Mind the first, telling me that I didn't cry.  I guess that's continued.

One thing, the stress seems to be making me sleepy.  I usually respond to the reading day badly but this time I just wanted to sleep.  We'll see how Monday goes.

Good thing I haven't looked at Dr. Mind unless he was making me do so for months.  Makes it a lot easier to avoid now when I would prefer to do this with my eyes closed.

I have one emotion:  I am so angry that someone did things that make it so hard for me to feel anything about my own past that I can't name one feeling about these things.

Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com


Michal Ann said...

Yeah, you can't force things. Breathe, walk, eat, trust, sleep...

You have the assistance of a wise and caring team. Trust them and let this unfold with theirguidance.

I am thinking that if you feel angry, feel angry.

Love, Michal

Anonymous said...

..."let him help me hurt for tiny, blond curlyhaired, blue eyed, Jen."

This is breaking my heart, Jen and I cannot begin to imagine how you feel. I can easily understand not wanting to go there at all whatsoever ever ever ever. You've protected yourself from this for your entire life... I can understand your mind not letting you feel. Could this be the HUGEST hurdle you have faced yet?

I have to believe that the other side will be better in a forever/long term way. Dr Mind must think so too or else you wouldn't be doing it, right?

I hope you can work through this with your team and heal those past hurts. I pray for peace and comfort and healing and strength and determination and understanding for you. I will pray specifically that the feelings of fear and stress and dread subside. I so wish I could do more.

Thoughts and prayers are with you tonight my dear Jen.


Anonymous said...

I have one more question...

When you were enduring all of this, you didn't even KNOW the words to describe how you felt. I am wondering how you're suppose to know them now. Does that question make any sense to you?

Oh, and feeling anger is good. It is righteous anger for sure.