We did not do what he said we'd do today. I'm glad that I did not have to think about this though. I think it went ok. I think it's going to be extremely hard. I think he sent me home Thursday knowing I'd have a really rough weekend. And Thursday we'll make the tape with me feeling well, I keep typing words and erasing them so I don't know. I can refer to my new list of feeling words if I need to. I learned that I don't know what many emotions feel like, at least from the angry list. I did manage to feel several today, mostly at Dr. Mind making me looking at him. I used to do that easily but since at least December I haven't even tried and he's only made me when he was making sure I wasn't lying about not hurting myself. But I've been through what some of the tape will say and I lived. I look like I've been through a very rapid war with pale face, hair pulled out of ponytail (wish I'd known before I went into the store, but who cares; I deserve to not care today).
I am not going to write this all out because I'm too overwhelmed and exhausted right now. It was an hour that included my having to stand up and look Dr. Mind in the face while trying to sound angry. I was standing because sitting I pushed away as hard as I could. There was lots of reassurance over and over that I was in a safe place, lots of deep breathing as I narrowly missed the edges of panic attacks. There was something with a markerboard that I don't remember. At some point I started crying (actually several times) and he asked if I was ready to cry/wanted to cry. I nodded and he went through numerous statements about my abuse as if he were me, showing anger. I cried so hard that for the first time I can think of in that room I just covered my face and sobbed. I have cried many times and cried enough to sob several more. Never have I cried like this. That was so hard, and he wasn't throwing around any difficult words today. But it also felt somehow like oh, no words, finally someone was showing me that the things I've shoved away to avoid were actually something real and something ok for me to feel. Not ready to do that but I am apparently at least ready to think about it.
At this point I am completely exhausted. I can't explain how hard it was. I know that I have more sessions just as hard; I suspect we do this until I can look at him and say I am angry because__________ without whispering. Taping the thing is likely to lead to sobbing again. There are likely to be more times that I am closer to panic attacks than I have ever been in that office.
But today is over. Really over since I hope to sleep soon. I am so tired that I'm dressed warmly (long sleeves and long pants, under a blanket and shivering.
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