Discouraged

My talk with Dr. Mind today was full of concern. He's not sure I can handle this next month. I think I can, but it is just so much. I feel like I was doing fine, but there was stuff hanging from when I had the med change. The time wasn't right to deal with that because something else came up. So we started sexual abuse. Well, that then proceeded to go well for a few weeks before more trauma (the whole I broke my ankle, wasn't allowed to feel pain and therefore caused myself to probably have at least 4 surgeries on that leg through my life, 2 already done and 2 or more to come). That news was harder to hear than I can explain. Part of me says big deal, and part of my is just horrified.

Then came the scary window man. That also triggered traumatic reactions.

And since then has been constant, painful anxiety. Partly this was because I've known for a

while that I was probably leaving this job and felt unsure about the decision. But mainly it was everything else, the PTSD leading the charge. Dr.Mind and I had a serious conversation about this and he did not mince words: this is a lot to handle. And he's right. I'm on a LOT of klonopin, plus the highest dose allowed of the form of seroquel I take and I'm still anxious.

So Dr. Brain has now been notified that things are on the edge and I am just hoping that tomorrow is magically better. If someone would just acknowledge to me what is happening it would help so much, but I think they believe I don't yet know, even though I knew with 99% certainty 2 weeks ago.

So I need to deal with PTSD. I have sexual abuse issues hanging that I can't address until I'm coping better. I have stuff from the fall. And now I have THIS.

I have been warned I may not make it through this without being pulled from work. Realistically I know and said all by myself that if the anxiety worsens much more I may wind up back on the psych unit until something stabilizes it because it is horrible.

I'm going to be trying to follow some rules about relaxation times and not thinking about it times. So if I'm a bit quiet that's why, I'm just not able to write some of the times by the new "rule".