Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Thursday, April 15, 2010


My talk with Dr. Mind today was full of concern. He's not sure I can handle this next month. I think I can, but it is just so much. I feel like I was doing fine, but there was stuff hanging from when I had the med change. The time wasn't right to deal with that because something else came up. So we started sexual abuse. Well, that then proceeded to go well for a few weeks before more trauma (the whole I broke my ankle, wasn't allowed to feel pain and therefore caused myself to probably have at least 4 surgeries on that leg through my life, 2 already done and 2 or more to come). That news was harder to hear than I can explain. Part of me says big deal, and part of my is just horrified.

Then came the scary window man. That also triggered traumatic reactions.

And since then has been constant, painful anxiety. Partly this was because I've known for a

while that I was probably leaving this job and felt unsure about the decision. But mainly it was everything else, the PTSD leading the charge. Dr.Mind and I had a serious conversation about this and he did not mince words: this is a lot to handle. And he's right. I'm on a LOT of klonopin, plus the highest dose allowed of the form of seroquel I take and I'm still anxious.

So Dr. Brain has now been notified that things are on the edge and I am just hoping that tomorrow is magically better. If someone would just acknowledge to me what is happening it would help so much, but I think they believe I don't yet know, even though I knew with 99% certainty 2 weeks ago.

So I need to deal with PTSD. I have sexual abuse issues hanging that I can't address until I'm coping better. I have stuff from the fall. And now I have THIS.

I have been warned I may not make it through this without being pulled from work. Realistically I know and said all by myself that if the anxiety worsens much more I may wind up back on the psych unit until something stabilizes it because it is horrible.

I'm going to be trying to follow some rules about relaxation times and not thinking about it times. So if I'm a bit quiet that's why, I'm just not able to write some of the times by the new "rule".


Michal Ann said...

I'm praying for you right now.
Dear Lord, thank you so much for the wise loving touch of Dr. Mind. Please keep the bonds strong and give him all the insight and time he needs to support dear Jen at this time. Bring joy to her life in a special way today. Open her eyes to everything in which she can delight. Lift her eyes, lift her spirits and let her feel Your strong arms supporting her.

You know it's so difficult right now so we depend even more desperately upon Your help.
Help Jen to call out to You. Please increase her sense of love and safety. Bring Your Word to her mind and reorder her thinking. Work in her body to bring alignment and strength to all the systems that are troubling and wounding her. I need you to do all these things for me, too. Unite us in Your Spirit. You live to give us life.

Banish our fears and gird us with Your armor. Please fight for us and protect us against our enemy who comes to rob, kill, steal, lie and destroy. Give us YOUR truth. You came to banish darkness and death. You alone bring life, truth, light, guidance and gifts of the Spirit. We have no hope except in You. In You we have faith, hope and love, and the greatest of these is love. God, You are love incarnate. Help us to trust and hope and rest in Your love. Amen.

"...for God is love." I John 4:8

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
I Cor. 13:13

Now, sloooowly and deeply....

Breathe....Sigh...Breathe....Rest....Breathe....Let go....Breathe....Relax....Breathe....

“There is no one like the God of Israel.
He rides across the heavens to help you,
across the skies in majestic splendor.
The eternal God is your refuge,
and His everlasting arms are under you."

Deuteronomy 33:26-27b NLT

Jean Grey said...

Do whatever you have to do to take care of yourself right now. Anxiety is truly awful, and I can't imagine the level of anxiety that you are experiencing. I'm sending you good thoughts!