Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Thursday, April 22, 2010

This sounds pitiful. I find it fascinating.

Back in 2003 I had just completed a clinical trial, was adjusting to Dr. Brain, badly needed a different job for numerous reasons, and wanted to be closer to my mother as I learned I needed help sometimes to function.

It also was a very good time to buy a house. Besides that I had learned that apartment living made me paranoid and afraid and annoyed by other people a great deal of the time. This was enhanced by having 2 experiences where maintenance walked in while I was drying my hair and scared me and then another time the new person thought my apartment was the model (next door) and caught me in bed and terrified.

When I first lived here it was with a lot of fear. I didn't feel safe. I was so nervous that I kept the door between my garage and kitchen deadbolted, even though the garage was locked tightly. I would be frightened by any noise or seeming change. It took a long time relax and feel like home was safe and truly mine.

I worked really hard at it and now home is a safe place that I love.

In trying to help me relax Dr. Mind asked the other day if I had a safe place. He meant mentally and we talked about it some. The plan is to make a relaxation tape today, so I decided to bring a few pictures in so he'd know what I was describing better. What I learned was that there is no wonder safety is so hard. I had so many pictures of places that once were safe and now only bring sad memories.

Thankfully that's not true of everything, but that IS sad. And comforting as I know now that I have a reason to feel unsafe so much of the time.

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