Not so cheerful

I am not having a great day, so if you aren't up to a depressed writer, stop here. you go ot I am beginning to feel the effects of my blurry vision making me unable to drive. I am getting cabin fever like you wouldn't believe. And it is no wonder; I was inpatient where the windows are covered with mesh screens so it's hard to see out for a week, then I came home (by skipping meds and staying at the hospital until I could see, and since then I drove to the post office once (it's not far and I can make it during the brief periods I don't have double vision around med times) and my mom took me to see Dr. Brain and we did go to a restaurant and some stores, but that's pretty much all I've been out of this house in 2 weeks. I don't remember farther back but I am pretty sure the last time I freely went somewhere was about 3 weeks ago. The flooring man came today to measure so he can give me estimates on replacing my carpeting with lineolum, since after flooding being in my basement for just a few minutes triggers asthma. Remember that I just bought a new front door, screen door, and the framing for the door is being replaced as it wasn't in correctly. I had no choice there as the door would not longer lock and with winter coming that becomes a major obstacle. Now I have no choice but to do these floors. And I still am facing a lot of medical bills (of course) although I've met my deductible and max out of pocket so everything from surgery on, except for counseling, shouldn't cost anything. I am so tired of things going wrong. Tomorrow was supposed to be update Dr. Brain and maybe reduce something else. Except that it's a Jewish holiday and she is Jewish so I'm thinking she was thinking in terms of days to get my blood level lowered, not days she'd be available. I don't even know if I'm where I can be reduced because I feel quite depressed today. I am so foggy I honestly couldn't tell you how I felt yesterday or the day before. I just know that today has been hard. I was supposed to see Dr. Mind but couldn't drive so I couldn't go. That means I've only seen him once in 3 weeks (?) and that too is not good. (Sorry, I have absolutely no sense of time. I know the date but only because I did something that required me to check it.) I know not trying to drive is a responsible thing. I also know that you go to the hospital expecting to be better when you leave, when you are there to be stabilized. Even knowing that I wanted to be all better, and instead I still am fighting some akasthesia (minimal but annoying; I've started compulsively making baby hats again). It feels like failure to have come home and feel symptoms a full week later, which is ridiculous considering that 11 days ago I couldn't stop walking, was standing and pacing for groups, etc. I know I am much better. I just want to be ALL better. It scares me that I'm scheduled to go back to work in 2 weeks and that Dr. Brain is confident I can handle that and yet my mood is not stable and I doubt much can be done there; I can't take more neurontin and even if she could increase my seroquel I don't think that is an option because more seroquel could cause akasthesia since I'm going to be sensitive for a while and unfortnately took more seroquel and zyprexa than I should have with akasthesia. I should add here that some of this is because I am constipated beyond all belief. None of the meds I have are doing anything significant; the hospital accidentally kept my maintenance med and so I have to wait for it to get here.I'm taking everything I can take, eating more fiber than anything else, and am waiting for more information from Dr. Body on anything else I can take. This is frustrating because from at least day 3 I was saying I was constipated. By day 5 I finally got more miralax which has no chance by that point, and finally day 6 i got not-powerful laxatives. I've taken everything I can think of at home, eaten so much fiber I should crinkle when I walk, I'm tired of it. This keeps me from taking a walk or something because I can't go too far from the bathroom. To make it even harder my mom's cat, one of the only living things of my childhood left, is dying. We've thought she was dying before, but this seems pretty certain; she has an infected mouth and food and water are painful. This cat is 22 years old. She's been loved her whole life and my mom is loving her through this tpart. It's just sad and I'm not handlling things well. Losing her is just one of those "things will never be the same" kind of things. I know that there are plenty of worse things in life than a dying cat, but this is just sad. This is the cat who once walked through my sister's lasagna while my sister was eating it, who figured out how to jump from the sofa to the countertop at age 20, who brought a very dead chipmunk into the house just as I was leaving to meet a friend who was then coming to my mom's for dessert, so I had to steal the body that the cat was convinced was alive. She's managed to live life fully too. She has always loved to be with my mom while she gardened and she helped out right up until now. Last time I saw her she still purred and snuggled in, all 2.5 pounds of her. It's just hard. And I need to take pills and change sheets, which means moving the entire bed because when I was trying to keep the cat from going under the bed while I was leaving for the hospital I shoved it against the wall making it impossible to make the bed. I've been lazy with sheets since, and may repeat that just because I'm too overwhelmed right now. I just want to be ALL BETTER. It seems so obvious; have surgery wait a couple weeks, be all better. Some teensy proportion of people react as I have to whatever nausea med I got in surgery and here I am at 6 or 7 weeks out and still not feeling good. And if anonymous is reading this and wants to tell me anything about how I SHOULD feel or what akasthesia SHOULD be I want you to know that akastethesia is a living hell that you cannot being to understand without personal experience and don't you DARE tell me anything about it. I've had it twice, I know the 2nd time was much more severe. I also know it is one of the most uncomfortable experiences I've ever had, both times. See, tired and grouchy both. And I must get those meds in now.