Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Friday, October 14, 2011

Thanks--and what I think

I actually did send Dr. Brain an email asking a lot of questions about what is going on, if things need to change please tell me but I never was aware there was a problem, and begging to not be switched to the earlier appointment (she schedules this herself as only a few people are accepted to this clinic date).  The truth is that occasionally due to a cancellation I've gotten noon then she's added someone back in.  The other truth is that I may go over but I also wait 45-75 minutes each appointment because of others going over.  So she's not really picking on me, I think it was a friendly reminder that something was different.  She knows I have a number of questions and concerns about what has been happening.  However, after I finished the email for her, which I wrote in the subject line could wait for my appointment, I kept crying for a long time.  I cried for hours pretty much solid between something earlier and this.  And as I cried I realized that what I have hinted at with her and Dr. Mind both is that something is not right here.  I am severely depressed, even more than I thought I was.  I think the medication that stops the akasthesia is also attacking me worse than it is doing good.  I have a long list of things that I'm doing that are not normal for me.  Some of them further show how severe my depression is and how messed up my thinking and motivation have become.  I am supposed to come off this stuff very slowly.  I think that I probably need to get off it before it does more harm that good, as I realized I'm having vaguely suicidal thinking that I can control  But the list goes on and on.  I searched the freezer for the ice cubes I had refrigerated tonight.  Basic hygiene is hard.  I don't want to leave my weighted blanket. I'm a little paranoid.  I have an don't care attitude about many things.  Etc.

I suspect I'm going to be rehospitalized.  I think that I'll need off this stuff faster than she can pull me while I'm home and already not functioning well and that something else probably needs substituted.  I am reaching a point I want to go back because I know that I am not operating well at all and I need the support of nutritious meals, readily available.  I need to have to do laundry and have someone know if I don't bother to shower or put on pants.  I need to start to feel safe again.  And I will be suprised if this doesn't mean another week in the hospital.  Why not, I practically live there anyway.  My guess will be that it will be Monday night or Tuesday.  Weekends mean the dr. who accepts direct admits is off and also that there is much psychiatric care or even groups going on.  Plus I don't know that insurance approval can be obtained that fast.  So unless she forces me to go in via ER, whcih I don't think she will because I'm not a strong danger to myself and this could easily land me especially with my diagnoses on the typical floor which she has promised to keep me off of.  I actually really feel that I probably belong there.  I'm forgetting so much that I'm not the best person to be in charge of my pill box, or health and wellness or so many other things.  It's a bit embarrassing going back so soon, but it's not my fault.  (I am assuming here).  I tried the standard treatment.  It has not worked.  Time to try something else and since that process can be ugly I probably need a safety net.  I hope I'm wrong.  I doubt I am.  The only thing is that I do not want mean nurse.  But whatever.  Maybe she's grown nicer.  If nothing else the person with her is one of the sweetest nurses ever and so I'll avoid the mean one as much as I can.  As long as she doesn't try to run groups at night she's fine, I think and when she came back from vacation my last night or 2 she didn't do that.

I'll let you know tomorrow.  I just know that I cannot go on living like this.  I'm scaring myself.  I pray I'm wrong and she can say "ok, well stop all 3 doses now and let's see".  But I know that's not hte way it works, she told me this is a long taper.  My guess is more like my daytime dose would go down to the next lower dose.  And that doesn't help much in terms of working and functioning.

Just to give you all an idea, my list of issues thus far includes:

-crazy crying spells that I can’t stop
-can’t drive near taking it after being on it a pretty long time
-fighting to handle hygiene, cook food (I have plenty) etc.
-memory problems still
   -many messed up emails
  -ice cubes in fridge after long, panicked search
  -difficulty with remembering time, how long things have gone on, etc.
-concentration stinks
-I don’t care.  Even not getting disability payments when I have about $200 to my name is not scaring me.
-want to sleep all the time.  I don’t let myself but I want to
-no motivation to do anything but hands still must be engaged
-how easily one albuterol treatment messed me up completely.
-trouble following books even if I back up pages to try to remind myself
-I have had cat puke ruined socks on my floor for about 4 days.  I keep walking around them instead of getting rid of them.  Again, I don’t care.
-misinterpret what people say
-can’t remember conversations and so keep asking the same things
-I feel so lousy I don’t even want to go back to work and yet I miss work so much.  I just don’t think I can do it well at all.
-increased fear, like being in an elevator with just a man makes me nervous and wanting to be near the emergency button at all times even if it’s just a floor or two
-some thinking about hurting myself that I can stop
-just picked up a sharp knife from the kitchen floor.  Haven’t really cared if my always bare feet stepped on it.
-thinking things like “this knife would hurt you”.  “are you stupid?  That did not work well before” so safe but not ideal
-forgetting little things like fabric softener that I’m not allergic to
-pretending to be ok a lot.  I am not.
-crying/getting way too upset way too easily.  Yesterday I got the milk out of the fridge, turned around, saw the milk sitting there and starting crying because I’d left it out for hours.  It had been out under 2 minutes.  Missing logic.
-keep thinking people are upset with me.  Usually they say they aren’t and why do I think that?
-went to the postoffice with a shirt with a ton of holes and unwashed looking hair
-don’t want to leave bed-aka don’t want to leave weighted blanket
-I had a conversation about the pain in a couple rooms of my house with my mother.  2 days later I realized I had that conversation forgetting the true color.  It has been that color for 15 months.
-I’m not drinking anywhere close to what I should be especially with the constipation issues of late.  I’m probably at about ½ the water I should be drinking.  Too hard to get it or something.  Maybe just plain I don’t care.
-I cannot picture myself working competently. It’s all I want to do and if I am completely honest I’m not ready.  I’m scared of what happens at the end of my LOA.    
-panic attacks.  I’m controlling with breathing but I’m having them almost daily.
-can’t fall asleep until 12;30-1:00 most nights.  Don’t want to take ambien because I have no idea what it will do to my wake-up schedule and if I oversleep I don't feed my sick cat and I don't get meds in on time which throws the whole day of neurontin off.

Probably more will be added by morning, but that is not a list made by someone recovering well.  I think that's what my  hours of crying were really about, I want to ignore all this stuff and I don't think I can.
I think, in fact, that I need to face it headlong.  In 60 minutes or less.:)  (The thing is she says that but if it takes more than 60 minutes to deal with this she'll do that.  Which is why I trust her, I just don't get this new thing).

I also should add that because she is having some final surgery at the end of November she really wants me better by then, whcih is another reason that going inpatient now is probably ideal.   

If I go the hospital this week  it will be one week less than 2 years from my first stay and 1 week less than 2 months from my 2nd.  Weird, huh.

I just thought to look this up and basically this amounts to I am having a lot of side effects.  It has a lot of psych side effects and I'm having many of them.

So that's the story.  More tomorrow, hopefully from home with orders to be ready to leave soon.

All prayers appreciated.


Anonymous said...

I am so glad I can comment again.

I am going to sleep shortly and will definitely pray for you Jen.

And even in the midst of all of this, you still are knowing and going to do the best things for you. You amaze me. God Bless you my dear lady.


Anonymous said...

Thanks for writing such thorough explanations and for the email as well. I'm just home from my weekly Christian 12-Step program where I was able to get my head out of school mode for a few hours. I've been trying to overcome co-dependency for quite some time now, to heal and to grow. We have worship, teaching and fellowship as well as a meal on Friday nights.

I, too, will keep you in my prayers. "Now I lay me down to sleep..."

You're very wise to catalogue your signs and symptoms. Yup, your chemistry is not your friend right now. I like the idea of the safety net and getting admitted on a weekday.

Oh Lord, may Your Spirit be mighty to protect Jen tonight, the Holy Spirit's comfort be strong and secure like the ultimate weighted blanket. Hold Jen close, please Jesus. Please organize the details and bring her healing and comfort in marvelous ways. In Your mercy, reward her patience with great breakthroughs.

Guide her and guard her with a strong sense of Your loving calming presence.

Love, Michal