Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Friday, October 21, 2011


Yesterday was a tough day.  I thought I might be feeling my antidepressant increase working which was good because I felt marginally better.  I also discovered that my letter from my company had incorrect dates on it and my LOA ends sooner than I thought, basically meaning no matter what I'm going back next week.  So I took some time and wrapped my mind around that.  And then my session with Dr. Mind was intense.  Very much so in fact.  For one thing he pointed out something I am still confused about, but I had been sure I had cried for the whole hour last time.  He says I did not.  So after some discussion I cried because my memory is still not clear. We went over my feelings about going back and that my core fear was one that I belief is reasonable:  that I'm going to lose my job because of sleeping problems.  I also listened to myself and realized that I am very, very angry with Dr. Brain and that is making it harder for me to handle this.  I know that I have a complicated situation and that everyone who has treated me has made mistakes at time.  My mind has been stuck on the part where I TOLD her that I thought I knew what was wrong.  I suspect she never got that email.  That's part of emailing her, it's hit or miss.  But regardless I wound up in very bad shape and in the hospital over this and struggled through a treatment I hated then am struggling to my my entire routine back together and it feels like she's adding pressure and not understanding what I feel are pretty clear issues:  I can work feeling bad.  Working while feeling bad AND fighting to sleep is really, really hard.  And while really she did not do this to me she made decisions, believed to be in my best interest, that made recovering a lot harder.  But it was a mistake.  But the rules keep changing around and even what we're calling it all, and that frustrates me because if I was manic why was I hospitalized and successfully treated for akasthesia?  If I can't increase my Seroquel then why suddenly can I increase it?  Etc.  I am mad because she made a mistake, the first time she really has made a mistake that hurt me in 8 years meaning I need to get over it, Iand I am mad because she nor I nor anyone seems to be able to just fix that mistake.  Meaning I am spent waiting it out.

Then we did this thing that I will talk about later because today's goal (via me) is to stay very, very calm and go to sleep very, very early.  It was powerful and made me cry so hard that I thought I was going to die because I couldn't find a place during this closed eyes, slow breathing relaxation, prayer integrated thing to blow my nose.  At least it made it gel.  I am scared to death to try work because I'm scared if I oversleep I'll be fired.  Which leads to a whole mountain of things that scare me silly.  And the reality is that yes, I've worked when not well before, or when not sleeping.  And I can do it again.  It's just the outcomes weren't so good.  But I (and this is somehow a key) also realized that for the last few years the combination of meds I've been on controlled my sleep perfectly with adjustments up and down on Seroquel as needed.  Well, I've been stuck without any of my meds I can usually adjust myself and without anything that had a clear "knock out a rhino" sedation like I am used to needing.  It's the same dose as "usual" but my chemistry is different right now.  As I pointed out I have been through a LOT in 5 weeks time.  I am not supposed to adjust things without permission right now.  However I also have been told a Seroquel increase is an option.  I am going to go with that and go up a tiny bit.  I can't wait for Dr. Brain to be back from 4 days off.

After all that I came home tired and yet unable to relax to sleep. I knew partly that this was because I had to face it; I'm going back with suboptimal conditions but at least we all know it and I suppose if I am struggling I will go back off.  I also have kinder supervisors this time who may be willing to help make things work while I struggle with this last piece. I finally took valium, which I apparently am still tolerant to from that mess before, but when I slept this time I SLEPT.  So since waking I've been trying to stay very calm and quiet and  am hoping to start project sleep sucessfully tonight.  I need to just do it once and I'll feel ok about it.  I'm praying that is tonight. At this point I need to get off the topic, take some anxiety meds, and start hanging in for 9 PM which is med time (this doesn't deviate b/c my body hates deviation and so 9 on the nose it is except on rare occasions.)

So anyway, I'm going back next week.  And I'm working on not being so mad at Dr. Brain.


Anonymous said...

OK - off the topic it is!

About a month ago, I got a bird. Yeah, me who loves big german shepherds, and paid lotsa money to fence my back yard got a parakeet. Why you might ask? Because I am probably selling my house/moving in the next couple of years and cannot commit to another dog. And the house is too quiet.

ANYWAY - I read that too much quiet makes birds anxious and nervous. So, I play the radio for my bird (who doesn't have a name yet). Tonight the station that came in the best was country western. And I heard "this" song. The lyrics are copied below.

Seriously? S-e-r-i-o-u-s-l-y? THIS song gets air time? Sometimes I am embarrassed by the good ole US of A. Today is one of those days.


Like My Dog lyrics
Songwriters: Harley Allen;Scott Emerick

He never tells me that he's sick of this house
He never says, "Why don't you get off that couch?"
He don't cost me nothin' when he wants to go out
I want you to love me like my dog

He never says I need a new attitude
Him and my sister ain't always in a feud
When I leave the seat up, he don't think that's rude
I want you to love me like my dog does baby

When I come home want you to just go crazy
He never looks at me like he might hate me
I want you to love me like my dog

He never acts like he don't care for my friends
He never asks me "Where 'n the hell have you been?"
He don't play dead when I want to pet him
I want you to love my like my dog does, honey

He never says, "I wish you made more money"
He always thinks that pull my finger's funny
I want you to love me like my dog

He don't get made at me and throw a major fit
When I say his sister is a bitch

I want you to love me like my dog does, baby
When I come home, want you to just go crazy
He never looks at me like he might hate me
I want you to love me like my dog

I want you to love me like my dog does, baby.


Good luck with that Billy Currington!

So, how's THAT for a change of subject, Jen?

Sleep tight and God Bless you, girl.


Just Me said...

Thanks, that made me laugh. When I my first car my sister and I nearly immediately went to visit cousins about 4 hours away. Suddenly it started raining and I couldn't find the windshield wiper thing. My sister couldn't drive and so we were pulled over for some time while i read the manual and tried to figure it out and the only station we could get was country (common thing here in the hills). The song was all about "the watermelon crawl". We still can make each other giggle about that. This just increased after my father, you know the one who had been molesting then having an affair with a teenager/college student for years and beating his family up for longer, insisted that country music ruined his marriage because my mom had been line dancing ONCE not too long before she left. Um, OK? (Also one of my funniest memories, him getting all freaked out about country music when my sister was trying to listen to one particular country song becuase "that &U*# destroyed my marriage". Sure..... (and sadly I struggled to appropriately symbol swear. Hopefully that means I'm tired?)

Anonymous said...

That song's hilarious! ONLY in the USA...amuses me greatly.

I put in a 21 hour day yesterday traveling down to Oregon and back for the student day of a national massage therapy convention. Three of us "skipped" class but I think it was well worth it for all the information and free products we were given, including a special pillow, sheet set, lotions, etc. I bought relaxation music, muscle flash cards...which I must now study!

I hope there's some encouragement for you in the daily devotional, God Calling. www.twolisteners.org

Blessings and prayers, Michal

Home Building

You are building up an unshakable faith. Be furnishing the quiet places of your souls now.

Fill them with all that is harmonious and good, beautiful, and enduring.

Home-build in the Spirit now, and the waiting time will be well spent.

But ye, beloved, building up yourselves on your most holy faith, praying in the Holy Ghost. Jude 1:20

Now to Him who is able to keep you from falling, and to make you stand in the presence of His glory blameless with great joy, to the only God our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen. Jude 1:24-25

Anonymous said...

Checking in and praying that you have found badly needed rest and peace. If I could pour it over you in buckets, I would do it in a minute. I wish this process was far far easier. I admire your strength and persistence, Jen. Thank you for sharing the journey.

It helps me to hang on to basics like "Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong. They are weak but He is strong. Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me. The Bible tells me so." God is love.

1 John 4:15-16

If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them and they in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.

With you in Him, Michal

Anonymous said...

Still thinking of you with great concern.

Love, Michal

Anonymous said...

Jen -

I am checking in to see how you are doing (?) Is no news, good news? Are you feeling less anxious and more settled? Sleeping better?

Hoping and praying for positive things for you!