Yesterday was a tough day. I thought I might be feeling my antidepressant increase working which was good because I felt marginally better. I also discovered that my letter from my company had incorrect dates on it and my LOA ends sooner than I thought, basically meaning no matter what I'm going back next week. So I took some time and wrapped my mind around that. And then my session with Dr. Mind was intense. Very much so in fact. For one thing he pointed out something I am still confused about, but I had been sure I had cried for the whole hour last time. He says I did not. So after some discussion I cried because my memory is still not clear. We went over my feelings about going back and that my core fear was one that I belief is reasonable: that I'm going to lose my job because of sleeping problems. I also listened to myself and realized that I am very, very angry with Dr. Brain and that is making it harder for me to handle this. I know that I have a complicated situation and that everyone who has treated me has made mistakes at time. My mind has been stuck on the part where I TOLD her that I thought I knew what was wrong. I suspect she never got that email. That's part of emailing her, it's hit or miss. But regardless I wound up in very bad shape and in the hospital over this and struggled through a treatment I hated then am struggling to my my entire routine back together and it feels like she's adding pressure and not understanding what I feel are pretty clear issues: I can work feeling bad. Working while feeling bad AND fighting to sleep is really, really hard. And while really she did not do this to me she made decisions, believed to be in my best interest, that made recovering a lot harder. But it was a mistake. But the rules keep changing around and even what we're calling it all, and that frustrates me because if I was manic why was I hospitalized and successfully treated for akasthesia? If I can't increase my Seroquel then why suddenly can I increase it? Etc. I am mad because she made a mistake, the first time she really has made a mistake that hurt me in 8 years meaning I need to get over it, Iand I am mad because she nor I nor anyone seems to be able to just fix that mistake. Meaning I am spent waiting it out.
Then we did this thing that I will talk about later because today's goal (via me) is to stay very, very calm and go to sleep very, very early. It was powerful and made me cry so hard that I thought I was going to die because I couldn't find a place during this closed eyes, slow breathing relaxation, prayer integrated thing to blow my nose. At least it made it gel. I am scared to death to try work because I'm scared if I oversleep I'll be fired. Which leads to a whole mountain of things that scare me silly. And the reality is that yes, I've worked when not well before, or when not sleeping. And I can do it again. It's just the outcomes weren't so good. But I (and this is somehow a key) also realized that for the last few years the combination of meds I've been on controlled my sleep perfectly with adjustments up and down on Seroquel as needed. Well, I've been stuck without any of my meds I can usually adjust myself and without anything that had a clear "knock out a rhino" sedation like I am used to needing. It's the same dose as "usual" but my chemistry is different right now. As I pointed out I have been through a LOT in 5 weeks time. I am not supposed to adjust things without permission right now. However I also have been told a Seroquel increase is an option. I am going to go with that and go up a tiny bit. I can't wait for Dr. Brain to be back from 4 days off.
After all that I came home tired and yet unable to relax to sleep. I knew partly that this was because I had to face it; I'm going back with suboptimal conditions but at least we all know it and I suppose if I am struggling I will go back off. I also have kinder supervisors this time who may be willing to help make things work while I struggle with this last piece. I finally took valium, which I apparently am still tolerant to from that mess before, but when I slept this time I SLEPT. So since waking I've been trying to stay very calm and quiet and am hoping to start project sleep sucessfully tonight. I need to just do it once and I'll feel ok about it. I'm praying that is tonight. At this point I need to get off the topic, take some anxiety meds, and start hanging in for 9 PM which is med time (this doesn't deviate b/c my body hates deviation and so 9 on the nose it is except on rare occasions.)
So anyway, I'm going back next week. And I'm working on not being so mad at Dr. Brain.