Wow! and Oh.

I'm bipolar, I'm allowed to have titles with 2 emotions. It's how I live. First, because otherwise it sounds connected to the rest, I just got brave and looked at my prescription med costs for the year. I'm at $3000 out of pocket, nearly $18000 total including what they paid. This isn't even accurate since I have one med that costs $400 that I buy every 1-2 months and that one the whole thing is my cost. I'm amazed. Second, I realized that everything my body has been through chemically, and for all I know because it was in such a hyperactive state for so long, has made me depressed. I was blaming it on being in the house so much and not being able to drive, missing appointments with Dr. Mind, etc. And this happens after I've been mixed, as I definitely was, but this one seems to be really impacting me. I took like 3 hours to convince myself to shower and I really needed that shower. I never did change the sheets for that nice clean body, clean sheets feel (they've only been on for about 5 days so they're clean enough I just really like clean sheets.) This must be Dr. Brain's impression as well since I was to send her an update. I sent her akesthesia information and that my mood wasn't good. Later I realized I'd left out something she should know, including that it was hard to shower. I did not get to lower my meds. I did get gentle encouragement to shower. So I must actually be pretty depressed because we need to be getting me to a level I can tolerate for work. I am going to talk to her about staying on Cogentin, the med for extrapyramidal syndrome (EPS). EPS is something that happens mainly from antipsychotics but from some other meds as well, including several anti-nausea meds that I assume I was given during surgery. I don't know if staying on it helps, but like so many things I appear to be easily put into EPS. The reason for this is that I've now had EPS 3 times. Twice akasthesia (with it being arguable that I've had it on a few antidepressants as well and I'd say my reaction to Prozac is 99.9% likely to have been akasthesia as well. EPS is not something you want because well, first it is miserable and second it can (if not treated quickly enough or if the meds don't work or I don't know what all) turn into something called tardive dyskinesia which is a syndrome of involuntary, repetitive movement patterns that cannot be voluntarily controlled. When I took Geodon I developed what would be called a dyskinesia (not tardive), just an uncontrollable oral movement of my tongue like a snake. I was pulled off it rapidly without any gradual wean because of the risk of that becoming permanent. If it is helpful at preventing EPS, particularly akathesia, I will happily take it daily forever. If it's not I want to know how to keep that from happening again. The scary and only answer is, of course, that's not possible. If we change antipsychotics I'll be watched closely. But surgery? Normal meds of life? Those things are impossible to control. And this all may be part of why I feel so depressed. It also still bothers me that I lost 4 days of my life in the hospital, 2 of which were nothing-ever-happens-on-the-weekend days. The others watched movies and visited with family. I walked about 200 miles, spent much of Sunday on 1:1 and when I wasn't 1:1 the nurses were spending as much time as possible talking to me, etc. to keep me from pacing so much. That was a huge blessing that they did this because staying distracted helped me not need to walk as much as long as my fingers were engaged in something. I know the hospital was good. I went in because I couldn't care for myself anymore and I need to remember that I can do that (although showers are still hard for some reason), and that I learned a great deal in groups and from talking to the others. I benefitted greatly from the time in there. It's just hard to think that I suffered for several extra days because of things beyond my control, like the resident trying to cut my seroquel even though even I know akasthesia is usually from antipsychotics but it does not have to be and it does usually develop after 4 yeras on the drug; then nobody could do anything to help me when I no longer could take the two meds that had been keeping me semi-calm; the covering doctor one day actually told me nobody has ever died from not sleeping and I did seem akathestic to her; I had reminder her that I had a huge dose of bendadryl and was taking anti-anxiety meds ever 2 hours so I did have my calmer periods. When I told her that she looked and said, somewhat accusingly "Well, you're on huge doses of those, MOST people would be asleep". I wanted so badly to say "yes, and do I LOOK asleep???" but I held my temper mainly because I knew she was Dr. Brain's friend. I don't know. There's a lot going on I guess in terms of what my body has been through, which is not just surgery but my brain attacking me, many med changes in a short period, not sleeping for weeks, lack of time doing anything fun since about the end of June, worsening greatly the first week of August. But still that is 2 months that I've mainly been in my house with no reason to even get out of pajamas, aside from the 2 hospital stays, one 2 days, one 7. And those certainly weren't offering exposure to happy things. I suppose the way I feel makes sense and is ok, but I want it to be better. Now. I know we probably can't mess with my antipsychotic dose until I'm further out from the akasthesia. That may mean having to see what neurontin can do for my mood without making me too sleepy. At least tomorrow I'm getting out of here to go grocery shopping. Since I HATE doing that this should tell you how cooped up I feel. I'm used to driving a thousand miles per week and now I'm not really allowed to drive a mile to go to the post office and back. I am so tired.