Tuesday, October 11, 2011
She's Back! Michal is back!
Michal, super commenter, Bible study provider, and friend who blogger was rudely ignoring is back with us. And that is posting on top of some nasty exams. If only blogger let her have a name....... In her last comment she said something I'm going to address here tonight because I like it. I am almost out of battery and left home without a charger so I'm paraphrasing. She said it takes 48 hours to recover from an acute sprain but 6 months to recover from acute psychiatric illness. That sounds about right. Obviously we're talking mild sprain but still, I like the analogy. I hate mental illness being compared to diabetes. This is much better. The thing is that when I think about it when I've been very sick it does usually take 4-6 months to be back to normal. And this time is worse in a number of ways including my physical condition was less than optimal and akasthesia is about as physically draining as I can think of ever experiencing. I still am physically dealing with it and it still mamkes me tired. This time also is different because I have to go through treatments/meds I do not like because they are what heals akasthesia and I cannot take meds that would make me feel better until the risk of setting it off again is over. I truly am not kidding when I say that I am not yet sure I'm going to avoid being hospitalized for depression. This treatment is very hard because it doesn't really make me feel better aside from removing the worst of the akasthesia. And instead it has many side effects. I can drive, as of today. I think I've been home 2.5 weeks? 3.5? (ake that I can drive by skipping a dose of meds) It has been so long Dr. Mind called to see if I'm ok because I haven't seen him since I was on the way home. He had a cancel today and offered to come in on his day off tomorrow butI told them waiting for Thursday was ok. Then on the phone I only could talk about how bad I feel. I suspect he and Dr. Brain have been emailing. So whereever Michal's statistic comes from I think it is probably very true and at this point in the year not only is my situation complicated by not being able to adjust my antipsychotic (poor Dr. Brain is giving me control back over all these wimpy drugs because it is all I can control) there is also the seasonal affective disorder thing, the holidays are hard, the my childhood pet just died and I'm sad about that and the months of isolation. I truly don't remember much fo the last few months. But the one thing I do know is I've been alone a lot. I like being alone but I do not like being alone for months on end. This has just been an incredibly hard few months. Right now it is hard to believe I am ever going to feel good again. For months it's been a battle beteween body and mind and I am so tired of that. I never really thought that there was a risk of a medication given when I was unconscious causing anything liek this level of psychatric symptoms; I felt that I was nearing hospitalization trying t cope with pain and work and training my assistant and all that. I never began to think a med nobody knew to hold could do this. Clearly I know now. But the last 2 motnhs (roughly) since surgery have been a form of psychiatric pain I've never been through. I felt depressed already. Then the akasthesia made me quite literally painfully manic. Now that is over and as is normal for me I feel like my mood dropped 24 stories in an unconctrolled elevator. Except it doesn't usually go 24 stories, more like 18. And usually there is a safety net about 16 floors into the fall. Well, the safety net is there but part one (Dr. Mind) I can't get to or he has his own emergency, and part two Dr. Brain and her fanastic med solutions is being tied up and sat upon by akasthesia and neurontin. Which I keep forcing myself to be grateful for but I do not like that med. It makes me so foggy. Skipping a dose to drive up for surgerical follow-up feels like just a few hours I get myself back, and then in 20 minutes the monster takes over. I'll be honest. I am slated to go back to work 10/28 pending psych status but that was the "we're pretty sure" date. 11/08 my leave of absence expires.I 'm not sure I'll be well enough to work. Had it just been surgery the 2 weeks afterwards would have been plenty. All the psych is messing things up and I get less time to deal with it because of the 4 weeks of leave (3? No sense of time, really) that were for surgery and physical pain cuts into my psych healing time. I'm scared of 11/08; I don't know what happens then. I'm waiting to find out until I see Dr. Brain later this week. I want to go back so badly but I don't want to go back and then be off for another 2 months because I tried too soon. I also want to do things like sleep regularly, not need naps because midday meds make me tired, feel safe driving etc. And rather than being at that place instead I am still fighting horrible depression. I don't like the need to be better than I am. It's scary. And my battery is going to die very soon, so more when I'm home and have a charger.