Now I am in a much safer place but things could have been so much worse and so dangerous. I have a very long way to go to recover from this one and to develop safety plans with Dr. Mind. I guess we also have to talk a lot about this until I am not so ashamed of thoughts I can't control.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Brief explanation: Michal asked about my statement about making it this long by grace. What I mean is that I have been pretty seriously (is there any other kind?) suicidal for months now and I did everything that I'm not supposed to do. I didn't tell anyone that this felt more serious than the harmless but annoying "I wish I was dead" thinking I had been having for so long. But after the lithium toxicity I started thinking about ways to stop living if I couldn't handle it anymore. I wanted I guess insurance is the word that I was going to have a way to stop the cycling if nobody else could. By the time I got here I was sitting in my room thinking about how different things could hurt me. That's when I told on myself. But I've been living in a very, very dangerous situation for a long time now and I was very, very stupid to do that. I have various excuses but the truth is that I was embarrassed and didn't want to tell anyone and I didn't want to have the only way I felt was sure out of this situation stopped.