Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Not sure what to say

Oddly enough I was thinking that I didn't want to update because it seemed likely to make me cry when I got a request for an update.  So here we go....

I haven't really been out of bed in 3 days now.  I doubt I've been out of here more than 30 minutes at a time in all that time.  I want to cry and can't (probably a side effect).  I keep praying and waiting for Dr Brain to answer and each time an email appears I jump.  Sadly, they usually are just from Old Navy.

I think the worst part is that this feels almost normal now.  I've felt so bad for so long that expecting to feel good is a big challenge.  There is no doubt that this is becoming depression that needs treatment.  So what's new?  I know "Platituda" is just not working.  I know that this is not my fault or that I did anything to make it not work.  I don't have a high chance of things working.  "Platituda" is just not going to be my med.  I set myself up, as I usually do, by thinking an initial response is meaningful.  I know better, I just really am out of practice with med changes.

I'm having worse anxiety too that doesn't help.  Tomorrow I see Dr. Body and if I haven't heard from Dr. Brain hope that he at least can help some with that.  This visit is so likely to be a waste, but I need to know that it's not physical and that I'm not ignoring something important.  That's the lesson of the lithium toxicity.  I still don't think a single one of the symptoms I was having was enough to make it combine in anyone's mind as "hmm, this isn't quite right", but at the same time it terrifies me that I missed it so thoroughly.

Last night was bad.  Between my own sleeping issues and my cat having a bad night despite medicating her, having her exercise in the garage a few times, etc. I didn't get nearly enough sleep.  Also not helpful.  Today has been extremely anxious, probably because that was how the night went.

Tomorrow is going to be hard with Dr. Mind.   I hate having to admit to him that I've gone so far backward in a few days time.  I hate that we're going to be back to talking about am I in a safe situation, etc.  But we are.

I don't know what percentage of this is my simply needing to feel we're doing something and not having that.  This is why Dr. Brain wanted me better before she had this surgery.......But it is so hard to be so sure that something has to happen and have no way of ensuring that.  If I went to the psych hospital ER I could get admitted. I truly have no desire to do that.  If Dr. Brain wants me in there to try a new med combo that's great.  I don't want to just show up as "I'm lost without Dr. Brain and don't know where else to turn".  Yet if I have to go in I want it over with.  (May need observation to start another med).

I am just not good.  I've reached the point that saying that is almost embarassing because I am so tired of hearing myself say it, but if my mood was at a 5 at it's best I'm back to a 3- or 2. And I have no idea what to do.  Hope Dr. Mind does or that Dr. Brain answers soon.  I'm strongly wondering if she's having email at home issues.  That's happened before and would explain why my before-her-surgery-pretty-important-questions didn't get answered.  Who knows.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the update and email. More later. Just walked with flashcards, trying to memorize Gluteus Maximus and Medius for the practical on Tuesday (and 15 more muscles). I don't even know what "posterior and lateral gluteal lines" ARE but "monkey see, monkey do" memory work. I hope to learn the actions tomorrow..on a body, that is. Tomorrow is the required HIV/AIDS course and Tuesday is finals for the Anatomy and the Kinesiology Practical. The class is going on an outing on Wedsday and then I'm FREE to clean up the house and try to do some Christmas and birthday things for myself (60th) and my 3 grandkids. There has been a breakthrough in the personal drama I referenced although much progress and healing is yet ahead.

My bad hip and leg are KILLING me daily; the pain is so chronic, tiresome and distracting!

I'm just babbling at this point but I wanted you to know you're on my mind and I'm glad to hear from you. You're a warrior...a tired, discouraged warrior but a fighter nonetheless. Keep it up. I'm counting on you.

Love, Michal