Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Not good

This morning I woke up at 4:30, presumably with a nightmare.  It finally has occurred to me that now that I have my cat comfortable enough she isn't waking me constantly that when she does wake it is always coincidental to my having had a nightmare.  I must yell or thrash around or something that wakes her.  So I couldn't get back to sleep and spent a few hours curled up in the dark doing nothing but thinking.  I realized that I am feeling a little more depressed each day and that it was better to try again to reach Dr. Brain than to sit and wait to see if she happens to get the earlier email.  So I sent her another one, trying to say this is getting worse please make it stop but without being too dramatic.  My current fears are first that this is deteriorating.  I am more depressed every day now.  The increase in medication should have worked by now and it has not.  I can feel the hopeless monster grabbing at me and finding it hard to argue with that monster, especially after spending part of the afternoon also staring at a wall along with my morning fetal position time.  I feel there is pressure as well, because we have a certain amount of time to get me better and that's it.  Well, there's long-term disability but I don't want to go there.  There's also Christmas approaching rapidly and that means stress.  If I go into the next few weeks feeling bad I know from experience I"ll come out the other side feeling really bad.

I don't know what happens from here.  I don't know if that's why I'm not hearing back; the next obvious choice has potential issues and while I told her I've read about it and am willing to try with monitoring I don't know if she ethically can do that.  I'm afraid she feels worse than anticipated and just can't check email or that her work email isn't working at home.  This is the downside to not having someone cover me; if she isn't able to help then I have no way of knowing and no way to make decisions.   She could be consulting Dr. Mind which isn't going to help a lot since I'm worse in the 2 days since I saw him.

I just want this over with.  I am so very, very tired and also so very tired of not feeling well.  I'm tired of fighting to stay awake.  I'm tired of the color of this room, one I never liked but absolutely HATE now.  My Christmas wish was for a day or days of help from people who aren't asthmatic and can help with painting, etc.  If anyone comes through on that this room is going to be the first thing done because I hate it so much right now.

I'm also tired of whining.  I'm sorry.


Anonymous said...

I'm listening. Please keep that "hopeless monster" at bay. I know it's hard to move and harder to care but I hope you find strength to make your bed a comfy nest again and get the sleep that's so badly needed. Are you taking the right S.A.D. measures? As the days get darker and longer, you're finding life tougher and maybe it's a small part of the picture.

I will leave you with the prayer that's propped up here by my computer: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference, living one day at a time..." There's more in the long version but the well-known first phrases are profound and timely for all.

I will summon courage to study for the last two finals and push myself to take my flashcards out for a walk. There was a bit of progress with personal challenges last night, for which I am grateful.

Isn't it a drag that we almost universally associate Christmas and stress? I don't think that's what "baby Jesus" was supposed to bring. On the radio, I heard a sweet little recording of Linus reading the true Christmas story to Charlie Brown. He concluded with "Glory to God in the highest and on earth, peace, goodwill to men." "That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie." As I heard this, it struck me that peace on earth has to start with first giving glory to God.

Please please keep your precious faith and fight the good fight against the darkness.

Love, Michal

Anonymous said...

Checking in. Please update when you can. I don't like the trend, either, and am praying that you're just resting a lot. Holy Spirit, please descend on Jen bringing comfort and joy. May she hear the words of the Christmas carol "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" (and women).

"God rest ye merry gentlemen
Let nothing you dismay
Remember Christ our Savior
Was born on Christmas Day
To save us all from satan's power
When we were gone astray
O tidings of comfort and joy
Comfort and joy,
O tidings of comfort and joy."

"Not by might, not by power, but by my Spirit ," says the Lord - Zech. 4:6