Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Gonna do something hard

I have been realizing more and more how suicidal I feel and that I have a lot of really strong desires to stop fighting.  I have no plans to hurt myself but I seem to be fighting the idea of making one.  And I'm not sure anyone really knows how bad.  My favorite nurse is working tonight so I'm hoping to talk to her later.  If not tomorrow morning.  I'll trying to talk to the dr. about it too but the nurses often listen longer, get more information and can share that with everyone.  I am having so much trouble acting like anything is wrong and I'm scared I'll be sent home before it's really addressed if someone doesn't know how serious it is.  This is why I'm here.  It's ok to talk about it because that's why I'm here.  But it's still a taboo-feeling topic.  I think it would help even if I could cry but I can't.  I want to and tears no longer come.  I forget when I quit crying.

Tough day in my head.  My niece called me (I think she had help) and that was great.

So tired of hating my life,


Anonymous said...

Jen -

If it is diificult to speak your thoughts can you write them instead? Show this blog to your nurse? Or, a journal?

I urge you to make your feelings known!
1) They cannot help you if they don't know how you are truly feeling
2) You know that it is the right thing to do
3) You will regret it if you don't

Jen? You've learned it is very OK and acceptable to admit to feeling physical pain, right? Now it's time to learn that it's OK to "go there" with your emotional pain, frustration, and feelings of wanting to give up.

Take that step.


Anonymous said...

I commented but it didn't go through. Thank you for writing and sharing your feelings with the staff. You've absolutely done the right thing. B's words are so wise.

I'm terribly sorry that life is so difficult.

My heart is with you, dear Jen.

Love, Michal