Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Gonna do something hard
I have been realizing more and more how suicidal I feel and that I have a lot of really strong desires to stop fighting. I have no plans to hurt myself but I seem to be fighting the idea of making one. And I'm not sure anyone really knows how bad. My favorite nurse is working tonight so I'm hoping to talk to her later. If not tomorrow morning. I'll trying to talk to the dr. about it too but the nurses often listen longer, get more information and can share that with everyone. I am having so much trouble acting like anything is wrong and I'm scared I'll be sent home before it's really addressed if someone doesn't know how serious it is. This is why I'm here. It's ok to talk about it because that's why I'm here. But it's still a taboo-feeling topic. I think it would help even if I could cry but I can't. I want to and tears no longer come. I forget when I quit crying.
Tough day in my head. My niece called me (I think she had help) and that was great.
Over the years I have noticed that when I have the least hope a rainbow appears. Rainbows are a wonderful combination of beauty, hope, happiness and rain, the product of ugly grey clouds that hide the beauty of the sky. The beauty that is a rainbow can only come with the presence of both rain and sun. Such is life with bipolar disorder. There are good times, there are tough times, and there are rainbows to remind us that beauty will return, sometimes fleetingly and sometimes for a long time. This blog is my story of sadness and hope. Please scroll down to "Who I Am" under Pages to read more about me and the people who populate this blog.
Please note that any patient experiences noted in this blog are heavily edited to disguise events. Similarities to real persons are coincidental.
Please also know that while I speak as a professional at times, I am not a doctor. I have strong opinions, some based on professional training and/or experience, some based on research, and some based on personal experience of my own variety of this illness. Therefore what I say is my opinion, not a fact and doctors should always be consulted.