Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Saturday, December 17, 2011

I don't want to be this brave

Admitting before someone told me that I need help is a big, huge step for me.  I've rarely if ever done so.  I know that it is right this time but I really can think of so many things I'd prefer.  I am basically forcing myself into doing many of the things I've felt impossible for so long now.  It's scary.  I want to cry but I have my emotions in lockdown.

I still don't know when I am going.  I am assuming this means Monday but hoping not.  Hopefully Dr. Brain gets back to me soon.  I know I caused all kinds of confusion yesterday and am probably not her favorite person.  I'd avoid me too frankly.  But I find it really hard to just relax when I don't know what is going on about something this big and although my family is being WONDERFUL (I know!) I hate that I'm likely to be totally messing up Christmas.  I hope that my mom will go down to my sister's to be with SOMEONE that day, or that she and my brother get together, something.

I am doing the right thing.  I am doing the right thing.  I am doing the ONLY thing.  But it still sucks.

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