Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Monday, December 05, 2011

Psychiatric hospitalization for the terrified

I have been doing several information gathering projects, trying to help us know how to proceed with my lithium toxicity.  One of the things I keep running across from 2006 was that Dr. Mind wanted me to be hospitalized and I shamelessly kept begging Dr. Brain not to make me go.  I was close enough to have a list of where the patients at the psychiatric facilities I worked out were sent when needed so that I would hopefully avoid overlapping.

I was literally phobic about the hospital for many, many years.  I don't know why exactly, I think I wanted to avoid admitting that I was mentally ill.  I also had a thing about having to do OT.  And for many years I avoided it.  I lied at times, once I screamed at a doctor until she realized I *would* fight and win if she tried to place me against my will because I knew the right phrases and I was not going in myself.  I begged my way out of it a lot of times.  I lied to myself when I needed to as well.  I was aware when I was feeling like hurting myself but thought I could squash it.  Only now I am walking into Dr. Mind's office and easily admitting that I am wanting to give up, although ever since he yelled (he was actually mad.  It made an impression) at me for not admitting this kind of thing at the beginning of a session I have always made it so it would ask at the beginning by alluding to the issues existing.

I really didn't understand that hospitalizations could be about more that suicide.  One thing that really, really helped me to start to understand this was that I knew for 3 years that unless something amazing came out the next antidepressant would be the Emsam that I use now and that going on it required hospitalization.  I also knew for those entire 3 years that I was on a tightrope with imipramine because there was a tiny difference between needed and too much and we customized a dose for all that time.  So by the time Emsam was needed I was able to fight my fears and ask questions and while I dreaded going as the time got closer and I was sicker I was glad to have somewhere safe.  The hardest part after that was that it was hard to handle parts of that admission and I was afraid of a repeat.

This fall I knew for several weeks before I was told that it was extremely likely I'd be going.  I guess I was told, just in Dr. Brain code.  I was ok with it because I was so desperate to stop needing to move and to just sleep already.  And it was a positive experience.

So I realized while doing all this research that I've written so much about my fears and reasons to avoid hospitals and the truth is that as time has passed and I've spent a total of 16 days in the hospital I see it more as a safe haven then anything else.  Granted, Dr. Brain kept me out of hospitals until there was a mood disorders unit available.  That makes an enormous difference I am sure.  For me just the quieter atmosphere of no more than 10 (at one point there were only 2 of us last time for a few hours) patients is huge. There are also a lot more freedoms, like internet access and I'm allowed to have my sensory stuff without fighting for it (just explaining extensively).

But I'm just saying if you wound up on this page because I've written a lot about the hospitalizations I've had, don't be afraid like I was.

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