Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Afraid

I haven't said much about my nightmares. They are a huge part of why I am not sleeping well; I keep waking up screaming. I'm very upset by them, having trouble talking about them, and horrified that my mind is being so deviant. Bipolar started this way for me, except then there were apparent reasons for the nightmares that no longer are really prominent issues in my life. Nonetheless, the last few weeks have been constant screaming and waking up very upset, many times per night.

I had not even admitted to my psychologist that I was having them. I did that much at least this week. I just don't want to talk to him about things that might trigger actual feelings. For me, mania doesn't seem to have a lot of emotions involved. (Except anger). Depression is a swarm of emotions. Because I generally wind up mixed, I can be pretty sure that I'll combine agitation and emotions.

This time I've been very agitated but the emotions have stayed at bay. However, it's been because I've been forcing them to and not admitting that I have feelings. I finally realized this is because I am afraid to talk about anything that might let the depression do it's part because I'm scared that if I talk to the psychologist about feeling bad that I'll be out of work even longer than already scheduled. In my mind I know I may well be off longer, that going back too soon just means I'll be sick again faster. But my heart says NO.

Thursday I have to talk to the psychologist and get help with this part. This is where I am always amazed how hard it can be, even with years of practice.

2 comments:

Emilija said...

I often made the mistake of going back to school way too soon. I'd get out of the hospital on a Friday, and start up classes the next Monday. I did it a lot, and I frequently relapsed quite quickly. Maybe I would have relapsed anyway, I don't know. But my advice is to try to take as much time as you can and really get the meds straightened out. Making major med changes while working is pretty impossible, as far as I have found.

Just Me said...

I am trying to believe this intellectually. I know it and I know that if I tried to work right now that I would not do a good job. I know my cognition is not good yet, although it is better today than earlier in the week. I know I'm still getting suicide evaluations for a good reason.

I just feel guilty. The plan is to switch me so that I'm more partially depakote dependent, partially seroquel dependent, and ideally I'd like that to be at least partially complete before I go back. But it's so hard.