Quelled

They were not kidding with the name of this drug. Everything that has been raging in me feels very muffled. It's weird in that I can still feel some of it, but it is so distant I couldn't really care less. However, at least so far it is not the same zombie feeling I had on Geodon, the only anti-psychotic I've tolerated enough to have a sense of what it might feel like.

I am sleeping enough that I just woke up on the couch and had to reorient myself totally. Everything blurs. It doesn't help that I still am too manic to watch TV much and far too sleepy to read, so there isn't much I do that doesn't turn into sleep in some way. For the moment I'm trying to shower routinely and do one functional thing per day. Today I made a huge pot of veggie soup. It turned out great. I'm excited about this because I wanted to make it based on a Weight Watchers recipe my mom uses, but I wanted a little more taste without adding calories. I did it. Only thing is that it tastes like it needs lima beans. Funny since I don't like lima beans. I guess I'm just used to them being in veggie soup.

Last night was a good experience. One of the major things we've worked on in therapy in the last 18 months has been my gaining the skills to monitor myself and to know when I needed help, when I needed to stop and get things together again, and to not pressure myself into being very ill before others decided I was done. I did all of these things this time. I'm pretty proud of myself. My therapist also made a big deal about it. Which I deserve; this was a very big change.

I also talked a lot about how much I have wanted to hurt myself some of these recent days. I struggle to do that. I manged though to get through "the questions" with honesty, and admit that after flushing a ton of pills I had not admitted to anyone, including myself, I had been hoarding for years, back in the spring, I am now more willing to be hospitalized. I understand more now how easily I can make the wrong split-second decision.

And now, well, I was up 20 minutes. I'm getting sleepy again and I keep writing this and not posting because I fall asleep, so let's get this up.