Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Manic stupidity

Today was horrible. It wouldn't have been a good day at all, in any way, without mania to make it so hard to handle. As it was I was popping anxiety pills like candy and having no results.

My head is spinning. I'm not even going to really write tonight because of it. I also have a horrible headache (migrainesque, I suspect related to my depakote level and/or starting Risperdal) that won't stop which is killing me. I made everything worse by screwing up my med times. I usually go for about 9. I couldn't take them then because my head hurt to the point of nausea. I laid down close to 10 and laid still for a very, very long time. Leave it to me to drift off at 11:30, just as the pain started to ease. For me the mania goes and goes and goes until I crash and sleep a few hours or I crash into another mood level for a while; I think that was my crash. I woke up at 12:30, scared to death from a psychoticish dream, and took meds. That means tomorrow will probably be all screwy too. I'm wide awake now......

I feel like I was too manic to even benefit from the therapy appointment I had hoped would somehow "make it better". Either that or I wanted him to say I was ok and just hyping myself up for no reason. Instead we talked about how I might find a way to get time off soon. I have vacation in 4 weeks.

Sadly, I also have 4 weeks until I have FMLA or short-term disability has finished the pre-existing condition phase. Only 4 lonely weeks. This is especially bad because this is the 2nd job in a row that this has happened with; the other job I was 8 weeks from eligibility and by a miracle they decided to pay the benefits. But I was only off 6 weeks. Hopefully this time if it turns into a time won't be long, but the decision has been firmly made by me that I want to do whatever it takes the next time. My current company has been a bit less happy to put up with my differences, so I am not relying on help. They don't get bipolar and don't plan to try.

Anyway, I question my own abilities to write in sentences. Hopefully will have something happier tomorrow.

1 comment:

Sarah said...

Sorry I've been sucky about comments lately. I've been in a funk because of my job. Only 4 more days here though and then life will settle back out ... hopefully!

Sorry that you hurt so badly and that it ended up messing with your med schedule. Hopefully today your brain slows down a bit and you can get yourself back "in order".