Today was slightly better, I guess. I got pretty angry with a deli worker over something that was store policy, not her fault. She was not being really nice, but I wasn't either.
I'm really, really wanting to do things that aren't good ideas. I just want to hit walls. I want to feel pain and let anger out. I bought a punchy thing last year, but it doesn't work very well. I am not a danger to myself, I can control this, I just want to feel something besides over-bottled anxiety. The worst I do to myself is that I seem to feel less pain when manic and do things like yesterday I squeezed my arm during my therapy session. By the end I had bruises I didn't feel. I also burned myself without feeling it one day.
Interestingly I also want a cigarette. This is pretty odd because I do not and NEVER HAVE smoked. Not even one drag. I have no clue what smoking feels like. But someone my body has decided it would help. I realize many to most mentally ill people self-medicate this way (trust me, my old job got pretty gross at times for non-smokers), but that my body would decide it's a good idea with no basis for the idea is bizarre.
I called to find out my disability options today and am waiting for a callback. I do not see myself being able to keep working much past this week unless something changes. This is, for various reasons, really crummy timing, but I need to not be trying to do a job and forgetting to do half of it. Seriously, today I forgot to treat one side of my patient until he reminded me. That is bad.
Probably be back in a few hours when I can't sleep. I know, negativity, but it's well earned these last few weeks.