Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Thursday, September 13, 2007

one more day

This is so hard. In some ways I feel like this is happening to someone else, because I still am having better awareness of the mania earlier than I usually do. I feel fairly sure nobody is going to get it why I'm off, assuming I go on disability after I see the doctor. I don't think there is much chance of that not happening, especially because of the latest symptoms. The hyperawareness of everything has been bad for a while. The last 2 days the visual sensitivity has kicked up and I'm noticeably jumping whenever people move in a way I don't anticipate or when anything is in my peripheral vision. But one reason I think I need to take time off work is that I am seeing things moving that don't exist and it makes driving not good. My driving is going downhill rapidly because my accuracy is also decreasing. Around here you have to be pretty wary at night because of deer, and I simply can't. I'm also afraid of passing, merging, etc.

I continue to want to do anything, anyway, that will MAKE.IT.STOP. I am kicking into self-protective mode time after time, but if things get much worse I am going to have to do my absolute least favorite thing in the world and go through the "does Just Me have to go to the hospital?" inquistion every time I see the psychologist. It's already started to an extent, but if I have to tell him how much of the time I'm fighting this I'm going to wind up having to talk to him about it. And for whatever reason, that's my my embarrassing topic. It's easier for me to talk to the male psychologist about my gynecological panic attacks than this. We did have a conversation about it when I was well that I hope will make me feel less threatened, but I just remember last year he was telling me I may need hospitalization and being so matter of fact. I was furious, and the madder I got the more firm he got. Ultimately I got out of it with a lot of promises and agreements to have others checking on me and stuff.

Partly this is hard because I'm aware I am very manic. I do not remember ever going to level from manic. Typically mania like this is the predecessor of a lot of badness. If it follows the usual I will eventually turn into a bad mixed episode, and then that will be another battle as I try to get through that without either overtreating my depression and causing mania or undertreating the depression.

And yes, I'm jumping the gun to think I'm going there, but I also know my body's routines. Cycling does get its name from a good source......

One more day and then I'll finally see the psychiatrist. She'll fix it all.......


anonymous mom said...

i hope the psych doc helps, i'm sorry you're having such a rough time of it lately.

BamaGal said...

I hope things work out for you. You are doing everything within your own realm to stop the cycle. But sometimes it will require hospitalization. Just think of it as a place where you can be safe as you work to overcome this.
Be thankful you have enough insight into your own illness to recognize your symptoms.
Let me put this question to you---I'm aware you work in the MH field---if one of the consumers approached you telling you they were feeling this way---how would you counsel them??