Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Getting old

One of the things that really hit me this time was that my ability to handle being manic is declining as time passes. I thought it was just less tolerance for the disease, meds, worsening of the symptoms, but then I realized something: I am getting older. We all know this disease worsens with age. I had never thought much about the disease and age interacting, but it makes sense. I am far more tired now as my body recovers from the episode than I would have been at 22. In fact at 21 I went a whole summer with almost no sleep. I was working very hard that summer, I was a camp counselor with special needs kids and doing an internship for college, but I was manic as could be and I truly don't remember ever really noticing not sleeping. A lot of college was the same way; I would have preferred sleeping, but I was ok. At 22 I went 3 weeks with a total of 4 hours of solid sleep and some shorter naps. Thanks a lot, Zoloft. (Looking back I see how naive I was; I didn't know yet that doctors don't know everything and that if something goes really wrong with a new med it is ok to stop taking it). There is absolutely no way I could do that now, no matter how manic. These last few weeks felt as if I would die and I was at least sleeping a couple hours a night.

I know I am well into my 30s now, and although most people still think I'm in my early 20s, people are starting to get closer to my real age because I act too mature to be in my early 20s. (I look young because I have a young face and curly hair and am short. I don't wear makeup which doesn't help me any). I know that I have grey hairs too numerous to just pull out now and that the number has increased slowly but steadily. I just didn't realize how aging affects energy, even when manic. Every day right now I'm partly tired from seroquel, but I'm also just amazingly tired from the abuse to my body from not sleeping.

Today I'm a little concerned about things because I didn't sleep well last night. I was awake every 90 min-2 hours and up for a while. That's not much better than before Seroquel, and the main difference in how tired I am is that all I have done was shower and make a grilled cheese (much less stressful than working) and I didn't get up until 2. Probably need a bigger dose; waiting for doctor approval. On the other hand, it's not manic rushing back because I could easily sleep right now. Trying not to, but it's hard because I sleep if I sit anywhere besides this upright chair.

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