Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Friday, September 21, 2007

Getting in touch with the farm girl

I have found something I can succeed at while dealing with this. I'm struggling because sleeping 2 hours and then up for 30-60 minutes leaves me quite tired, but not nearly as tired as you'd think. The mania erases some of it, and being off work and having less need for energy makes things tolerable. In fact, I feel sort of strange that I'm not working, even though I know I'd be a total wreck in 2 days if I tried.

I really need more seroquel at bedtime. Normally my doctor is ok with me increasing things, and I was given boundaries with this, but I was so manic they aren't clear and I think I'm supposed to take a daytime dose next, but that doesn't make sense when I can't sleep.

I tend to be pretty agitated in the time of night I should be sleepy. For a week or so I have been shredding the phone book to stay busy. I found something even better yesterday: snapping green beans. I'll have about 10 lbs or so done tomorrow and my mom is going to teach me to can. Not sure what comes after that, but the beans have been great the last few days.

Can't wait to see the psychologist because I need help sorting out what I feel. I keep starting to cry for no good reason, then I can't. I know this is a hallmark of a mixed episode for me and that anything strange right now may be related to not sleeping well.

But I also need to hear that there is truth my logical mind says, which is that I haven't sleep properly in a month and the majority of the sleep I get is in my morning nap and afternoon nap, and I am working very hard to be awake the rest of the (day) time so that I don't throw things off even worse, and that this is reason to not work. I'm struggling to trust myself that I truly cannot read a book and follow it, or to follow directions. I got lost in a town I know as well as my own tonight. Because I still have energy, because I am not crying even when I want to, it feels like I should try going back to work. I think that's partly me feeling like I need to shut up and accept that this may be as good as it gets, and although I will no longer believe every episode heals completely, I'm not about to give up this early.

I hate my psychiatrist's new practice. She went from her own practice to a huge teaching hospital. The new place has benefits, but times like this are really hard because I used to be able to count on fast responses when things were bad, and now I often feel like crap for several days waiting to hear from her. I don't handle this well because I never know when I should assume I've been forgotten (happens a good bit) or let it go longer. I'm afraid of her secretary so I only will use email to talk to her, and this week I've felt like I've waited and waited and waited, and not heard from approximately anyone, making not hearing from her worse.

I don't want to even think about my bedroom......

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