I'm staring at a bottle of Risperdal. In about 5 minutes some of it will be traveling through my system. It's odd to both be glad to have it (made it with a big 3 minutes to spare to the pharmacy thanks to shameless speeding) and dreading taking it. I am afraid of side effects, which haven't been pretty with this in the past (at 1 mg and I'm only taking .25). I'm not sure I remember if .25 works; what I do recall clearly is that I'll probably feel good just about the time the side effects start. Hopefully by then the entire episode will be chased off.
Today was hard enough I ran to the psychologist. Mania is so embarrassing in public. I'm cranky and tired and can't sit still and can't focus, and nobody really understands, and I'm certain to make at least one wrong move that I then am angry at myself for making. I have a feeling half the time others don't even see what I'm in anything like I think it, so then I later think I said something wrong when that's not how it really appeared. (Jon, I think you addressed this today).
Also, mania makes me bolder. (This will sound paranoid but it based on reality). If you are someone I work with and you've found me, please email me (email@example.com). I've had a few hits from a town of about 25 people that is just outside where I work, and it seems highly coincidental. I don't care, you're welcome here, I don't want to know what your interest in bipolar is, I just want to know who knows/if someone knows.
Off to take risperdal. And live in fear.