Guilt

I just got home from spending time with my mom. I was glad to finally have time, although I got the time by being manic enough to override the effects of the Risperdal. That part is not so good.

It was sad though because we talked about something we frequently discuss these days: my future. She is very open to me living with her eventually, maybe sooner than eventually, and we'll share her aging and my needs. It is a good plan and I know how fortunate I am that I have a cushion.

But it's also so strange that she is planning remodeling all around how to give me space and privacy without destroying her home. I know she likes her independence, as I do mine, and it hurts that she is going to have to think of giving it up. It also makes me feel guilty that she's going to have to invest quite a bit of money in this.

There are a lot of other things that I hadn't considered as problems much, like I will stay there and someday she will be gone and I'll be there alone with hired assistance. But that means I'll take my siblings' inheritance. I already am afraid they'll get stuck with me, (and in our cases stuck is the right term), but I don't want to cause problems. There is truth that even now I am there for my mother much more than the siblings just out of distance, but that still leave a lot of room for hurting.

These are the kinds of things mania makes me worry about incessantly so I'll stop, but I do feel bad for other victims of this disease: our families.