Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Sunday, September 09, 2007

Guilt

I just got home from spending time with my mom. I was glad to finally have time, although I got the time by being manic enough to override the effects of the Risperdal. That part is not so good.

It was sad though because we talked about something we frequently discuss these days: my future. She is very open to me living with her eventually, maybe sooner than eventually, and we'll share her aging and my needs. It is a good plan and I know how fortunate I am that I have a cushion.

But it's also so strange that she is planning remodeling all around how to give me space and privacy without destroying her home. I know she likes her independence, as I do mine, and it hurts that she is going to have to think of giving it up. It also makes me feel guilty that she's going to have to invest quite a bit of money in this.

There are a lot of other things that I hadn't considered as problems much, like I will stay there and someday she will be gone and I'll be there alone with hired assistance. But that means I'll take my siblings' inheritance. I already am afraid they'll get stuck with me, (and in our cases stuck is the right term), but I don't want to cause problems. There is truth that even now I am there for my mother much more than the siblings just out of distance, but that still leave a lot of room for hurting.

These are the kinds of things mania makes me worry about incessantly so I'll stop, but I do feel bad for other victims of this disease: our families.

1 comment:

BamaGal said...

Love your blog. Sounds like you and I are sorta kindred spirits. I work in the MH field also. As well as being a retired RN.
Right now I live next door to my parents in a mobile home they helped me purchase. We all knew my living with them at this time was not an option for any of us. Since none of my siblings want anything to do with the house, my parents have made it possible, that the home will be mine as long as I live then will be passed on to my son.
I have a psychiatric advance directive which my sister and my son have control over. It was one of the best decisions I ever made. In it I put all the care I would want in the case of not being able to make decisions on my own. I was even able to declare someone to handle my financial affairs. the only glitch I have had with this was last year. At the time my sister was the only person I had listed on my directive. She felt my symptoms at the time warrented involuntary hospitalization.(I had agreed to go in on my own) My son was livid when she had me forced into the hospital. After I became myself once more, the directive was changed to include both of them.
Hopefully with the changes I am making--it will be a very long time before any decision like that will have to be made again. But at least, the treatment received will be of my own choosing.