Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Normal is such a funny thing

It is so odd to me that my illness makes it "normal" that I'm sitting here thinking of how I would prefer to physically hurt myself than to stand one more moment of my emotional state. I am not going to do this, I have all sorts of safety plans in place, but as my mood has settled into the most dangerous phase, a mixed episode with predomoninantly depressed features combined with enough manic energy to make sleep impossible (which of course fans those flames), I am finding it absurd that I'm trying to calm myself by reminding myself this is absolutely normal for this stage. Today has been a really hard day as this has hit. I commented to my psychiatrist recently that I am doing so much better with handling this part of the illness (hate it but don't fight actual urges much, just lots of thinking about doing it) and that I attribute much of this to simply having lived with it so long and not given in yet. I know better.

I just need sleep. Sleep will bring safety back into my world. I think I'm going to really medicate tonight strongly and see if that helps. I can't stand another day being so out of sorts with the world that I don't even want to eat the food I fix for a meal because my mind has changed drastically in a short time about what I want.

I hate bipolar.


Taylor_John said...

Hope you pass this stage soon. I feel for you. There are days when I feel stretched like a rubber band about to snap. Best thing I can do at that stage is to just retreat from the world and hide in my room. Difficult to do when you hold down a job and family. Not a lot of ppl understand this side of Bipolar. It is refreshing to get back to 'normal' once this stage has passed. I am only too aware that it is just waiting again around the corner for another chance to pounce. Lack of sleep is also my enemy. Hope you feel well soon.

Jon said...

I actually read an article the other day that recommended a lack of sleep as a way to turn around a bipolar episode. It floored me.

I hate bipolar too. Don't you just love it when someone exclaims "I think it's a gift." Of course, in my next hypomania I may be saying the same thing...

Hope things look up for you soon.