It is so odd to me that my illness makes it "normal" that I'm sitting here thinking of how I would prefer to physically hurt myself than to stand one more moment of my emotional state. I am not going to do this, I have all sorts of safety plans in place, but as my mood has settled into the most dangerous phase, a mixed episode with predomoninantly depressed features combined with enough manic energy to make sleep impossible (which of course fans those flames), I am finding it absurd that I'm trying to calm myself by reminding myself this is absolutely normal for this stage. Today has been a really hard day as this has hit. I commented to my psychiatrist recently that I am doing so much better with handling this part of the illness (hate it but don't fight actual urges much, just lots of thinking about doing it) and that I attribute much of this to simply having lived with it so long and not given in yet. I know better.
I just need sleep. Sleep will bring safety back into my world. I think I'm going to really medicate tonight strongly and see if that helps. I can't stand another day being so out of sorts with the world that I don't even want to eat the food I fix for a meal because my mind has changed drastically in a short time about what I want.
I hate bipolar.